Hi Sandy
It is so difficult when other people enable a CG and then expect someone else to clear the problem for them.
There are only two people who are responsible for the problem here and you are not one of them. Your aunt lent your mother the money; she did not lend it to you: You didn’t ask your aunt to lend your mother the money and indeed if she had asked you I am positive you would have said ‘no’.
I can only make suggestions as I cannot tell you what to do but what I can say is that if it was me I would say ‘the problem is not mine, I cannot be responsible for a debt between my mother and her sister of which I had no knowledge’. It is not for you to apologise, it is a painful lesson that your mother’s sister should learn.
I fully appreciate that you are feeling sorry for your aunt and I wonder if you could go and talk to her and explain the situation as you have described it to me. If this debt has placed your aunt in a dreadful financial position and you are in a position to help her without hurting your own finances, then maybe you could help her without your mother’s knowledge and ask her to still seek redress from your mother. In my opinion it is important that your mother does now know that her gambling debt has been cleared by you. If you follow this course of action it is only between you and your aunt because you care for your aunt and ultimately for your mother.
I believe it is important that your aunt appreciates your mother’s problem especially as she has been unwittingly dragged in and used – it will probably happen again unless she is aware. I do feel it is important to inform people who love CGs and who might be called upon to enable, that there is a real problem, whilst also stressing that the CG did not want or ask for their addiction. Nobody would ever want an addiction to gamble. Maybe your aunt could support you by urging her sister to seek help. I think maybe it would help if you could tell your cousin the situation you have found yourself in too.
I cannot stress enough Sandy that you are not responsible for your mother’s behaviour or for your aunt lending her money. Does your mother have other siblings that she can seek enablement from? Would she try and seek enablement from your husband?
Families that unite against an addiction, with knowledge, whilst still caring for the CG are the best thing for a CG.
Keep posting Sandy, you are doing well
Velvet
