Hi Rose
Looking for support for yourself, just like you postponing/cancelling your wedding, are just further excuses for his addiction to blame.
Although it is not recognized professionally many of us have used the following coping method to deal with deflection when dealing with the addiction to gamble.
Imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet. Your partner is controlled by that addiction – you are not.
His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten his addiction, such as seeking support to help you cope, the beast comes between you and controls the conversation turning it into an argument that suits his personal perception. Having got you into an argument, that ‘you’ didn’t want, you will hear only lies, deceit and blame as your partner’s addiction seeks to demoralize you. When you speak to your partner, the addiction beast distorts your words and he will not comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me the following way: His addiction had made him truly believe that he was an unlovable, worthless failure so when I was pleading with him and telling him that if he stopped lying and live honestly, he would be happy, his distorting addiction was twisting my words telling him I was a liar. Deep in his misery he felt lost and afraid, and fought back with the chosen weapons of his addiction – namely blame, lies and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism..
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Many CG do not find their recovery in GA but there are other ways for him to seek support. We have a terrific helpline on this site, manned by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and a dedicated counsellor. Maybe you could ask your partner to talk to our helpline and ask them, as a third party, what they think about you seeking support or postponing your wedding It is anonymous and one-to-one so he has nothing to lose. We also have CG only groups and the CG forum ‘My Journal’ where he would be welcome – again anonymous.
Controlling the addiction to gamble is tough but he can do it and live a terrific life in control of his own life.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting – I believe writing our thoughts down is one of the best therapeutic things we can do.
Velvet
