Hi RG
You are a unique and special person with an actively addicted husband; in no way are you worthless.
Your husband did not and does not choose his addiction, he neither asked for it nor wanted it but sadly for him and you, when he first gambled, (as so many people do without a problem), addiction was waiting for him. I know it is hard to understand but he doesn’t deliberately want to hurt you.
Your husband doesn’t want anybody to know that he gambles because he wants to carry on without taking responsibility. The addiction to gamble thrives on secrecy and depends on loved ones covering up but I believe that loved ones need all the support they can get. Do you have any close friends or family that you could confide in – it will hopefully be easier to confide when you know that there is nothing to be ashamed about and that nobody is to blame? Maybe you could tell them that you are gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble and you don’t need advice but you would welcome support and friendship just for yourself.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave them for him to look at – it might help him to realise that his addiction is recognised and understood but that there is a lot of support for him if he wants to change his life. Our Helpline is available to him, it is one-to-one, private and non-judgemental. If he is confident that he can handle his gambling then he has nothing to lose by contacting them.
There is nothing that I can say that will stop your husband gambling. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought support for yourself because you are taking his problem seriously even if he will not. Many gamblers do not think that their loved ones need support! Like you, I find the word ‘sorry’ totally inadequate, it is only actions that prove real regret. All the promises in the world c o u n t for nothing if a gambler is actively addicted. Does your husband ever accept he has a problem even if he doesn’t accept its severity?
You cannot save your husband sadly but you can look after yourself and your children – they naturally love their dad but in time they will see that he is constantly letting them down. You are the role model; you are their rock.
It might be that your husband’s addiction has to hurt him before he wakes up to the enormity of his addiction, however, you are aware now and you can take steps to improve your life. Do something for yourself every day, something that takes your mind away from your worry – see friends, take up hobbies or renew interests that you have lost because your mind has been focusing on his addiction.
I hope you will keep posting, I am sorry that the forum is so quiet at the moment but I can assure you that I do listen and will always respond. I am going on holiday for 2 weeks starting next Saturday but I will look for you as soon as I get back. I will of course respond this week if you post again shortly.
My thoughts are with you
Velvet.