Hi Peanut Feathers
I saw your post earlier and wrote my reply but I had to go out and I didn’t send it. If I duplicate anything Lily has since said, the reason is that although we are all unique the problem we share is common. I am therefore sending my post without alteration.
Your post, which was certainly not too long, outlines your situation completely making it easier to know how to support you.
I will not be addressing your husband as ex because what you decide to do is down to you and at the moment you are saying you would do anything to be with him, there has been no divorce, so he is not an ‘ex’ at all.
The pattern of addiction you describe is common – millions of people gamble without a problem but CGs do not know until it is too late that for them gambling is not something they can enjoy and walk away from.
I suggest your husband has had a gambling problem for at the very least six years and that encouraging you to join him was a natural way forward for him. Don’t beat yourself up that you went with him because you were not to know there was anything to worry about and he would not have wanted you to know. The addiction to gamble loves secrecy and those who love CGs seldom, if ever, know from the beginning that there is a problem
Many CGs who seek recovery don’t fully accept they have a problem, so although they seem improved, they can begin to believe that they are cured and then a relapse can occur more easily. However the tools given to your husband when he sought support will not be entirely forgotten which raises hope that another stronger recovery will take place, in other words a CG can turn his back on the support given but something hopefully usually rubs off. The happiness your husband experienced will not be forgotten by him but in my opinion he doesn’t know how to access it again and he is living with the wrong person to help him.
As long as someone is willing to enable, the job of facing an addiction will appear insurmountable. Making the leap of faith to live gamble-free takes a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and a lot of courage – your CG is avoiding all these things possibly by living with someone who is not willing or able to support him in the way he needs support.
Marriage to you is not his problem – ‘Gambling’ is. He is married to you but possibly he is afraid of the immensity of a Church wedding which is not overly uncommon with CGs. Family occasions are often overwhelming; they can bring back deep personal memories of other difficult family gatherings. Trying to feel part of something good whilst feeling inadequate can bring on massive feelings of guilt and guilt always brings misery – gambling is a way to avoid that misery.
I am really saddened that your Family group thought that giving an ultimatum to an active CG to recover or leave was a good idea – It is something you will never hear on this site. CGs react to ultimatums usually by running away and/or gambling – your CG’s addiction is the master of manipulation and you are not. His reaction should have been fore-seen by this group and never forwarded as an option.
I think your husband probably truly believed his final message to you before he left for Hawaii but if he is getting enablement to gamble it is probably a lot easier to blame you and indulge his addiction rather than seek recovery.
Do you have any communication with him at all and if so what is? Is it possible for you to move away from Las Vegas to somewhere that doesn’t have gambling as its main reason to exist?
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. I know of many, many spouses who have not left and who do enjoy incredibly special lives with their husbands – it isn’t easy but if you are willing not to give up then I will be here for you for as long as you want me to be. Please keep posting Peanut Feathers because there is a lot more to say and I love your username – as Lily says there is always someone listening.
Velvet
