Hi Pam
You have taken action and now people are listening; you are no longer alone with your thoughts and you can be assured that everything you said is understood.
You write that your husband doesn’t want his family to know about his problem and later you write that you have become really close to his family and you think you will lose them but you want them to know how bad his problem is so that they don’t blame you. I obviously cannot ‘know’ Pam but I would hazard a guess that his family are not completely in the dark. Even if they don’t know it is a gambling addiction they probably have seen behaviours that don’t add up to them but which they may find hard to talk about because they don’t want to upset you. The addiction to gamble is divisive; it splits families down the middle so that it can obtain enablement. It may well be that you husband has ‘borrowed’ from family member who are unlikely to get their money back – unless somebody ‘talks’ and opens the taboo subject everybody is possibly/probably keeping the secret and the secret corrodes.
My first thought is therefore to talk to them while at the same time telling them that you are seeking support. I understand that ‘what to do’ is difficult so I would suggest that the subject of leaving him or throwing him out is left until you know what it is that you want to do and more importantly what you know you can carry through. I think that it is too early to say anything to the children because you are unsure about what you are prepared to do at the moment.
From what you have said your husband is just paying lip service to you. I agree with a lot said in previous posts but I have never heard that stopping paying the bills so that he pays his share and/or writing ultimatums on finances works at all – and I don’t think that involving the children is good idea. I also think it is tough but necessary to ignore the scared little boy because that is what will bring your resolve crashing down. He probably is scared but then so are you and you are trying to protect your children as well. However childlike he is, he is capable of wrecking your life and the lives of those you love.
You will find your ways through this Pam however desperate it feels, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here writing to you now.
Keep posting – it would be good to ‘meet’ you in the F&F group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
Velvet
