Hi OAJ
It is the hardest thing of all – to not try and save a loved one, which is how the CG keeps control of the life of the person closest to them, the most vulnerable.
I appreciate Vera’s contributions to our forum and occasionally she gives me openings that I would normally not volunteer. Vera has said in her post that she ‘perceived’ her SO’s disinterest when she was gambling but in recovery she recognises that it was just another excuse. In my experience many/most CGs blame the non-CG for giving them ‘reason to gamble’ and that belief is real ‘at the time’. The difference in perspective between an active CG and a CG who is in control of their addiction is gobsmacking.
So what do you do with the excuses? I suggest you file them under ‘not worth worrying about because you know they are not true’. It is a waste of breath defending yourself to an active CG because when someone is determined to find fault or blame they will judge regardless of truth. In this instance, as so many others with this addiction, the only way to win is not to play. I suggest that instead of saying ‘I don’t believe you’ which implies an unwillingness to listen, perhaps you could say ‘when you are ready to tell me what really happened let me know and we can continue this conversation’, which might be a more conciliatory approach. At that point either the subject is changed or you walk away leaving the ball in her court.
I suggest you don’t work at trust because she cannot trust herself – so why should you? I agree that trust and love are not necessarily dependent on each other.
F&F are usually embedded in the addictive behaviour of another by the time they realise what is happening and opting out of the cycle is so very difficult. In my opinion there is no one- size-fits-all answer and I believe that one’s recovery depends on how one goes about it – it is so easy to be squashed into submission by the addiction and wait for it to determine the course of your behaviour but you are stronger than her addiction and proving it to yourself will be a big step forward for you, I believe it to have been one of the greatest educations of my life.
First posts are always more about the CG – it seems F&F seek support only for their loved ones first but ‘you’ are important. Your SO’s job means she has the words but I believe that you are correct, they are just words at the moment. I suggest you give her places where she can get support and maybe tell her that her future is in her own hands, that you are willing to walk that extra mile with her only when she is willing to walk it with you. I know she is vulnerable but using you is not going to give her the ability to lay her ghosts to rest, she has to work at her recovery.
Keep using the forum – in a short time you will be able to look back and see how far you have come. Hopefully we will ‘meet’ again in a few hours.
V
