Hi Mjaycee
You have done so well already with your son and I am sorry that his girl-friend’s reaction to you was so poor – it would appear she is in denial, in which case there is nothing more that you can do for her. It is always a shame when those around compulsive gamblers choose not to see – it doesn’t help anybody.
Your whole post is a mirror image of my own experience so I hope that my telling you that my son changed his life 13 years ago and now lives a wonderful happy life in control of his addiction will help you.
When my son accepted his addiction, he told me about the anger he had directed towards me for years and the reason why. He had to blame somebody or accept responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour – I was the closest and therefore the easiest target. Even when he went into rehab he told me that he was still blaming me for everything – fortunately I did not hear it and fortunately those who did hear him recognised that this was his way of deflecting blame.
It is so tough. We have a vision of the way our child will be when he grows up, we give unconditional love and we do all we can to safe-guard their happiness, so why then does this happen to us?
I know now Mj that I was not to blame for his addiction and nor was he. He gambled at an early age with friends and before he knew what was happening the addiction took hold and got steadily worse over the years. I was totally unaware of what was wrong with him apart from sensing his great unhappiness and I was completely ignorant of addiction. I did everything wrong for all the right reasons – I bailed him out, believed his lies, I gave him a roof and an easy life because I thought he would learn from me what love was all about. It didn’t work.
You are not enabling, you are informing those who care for your son that enabling him is wrong; you are not letting him return to your home where he could wreck your life whilst making no effort to change his; you have heard his nasty comments and yet you are still here, loving him in the best way and doing well. I think you are great and I hope that one day your son will tell you that too.
Parenting a compulsive gambler is a sad, thankless and lonely place and it is even sadder because the child is also in a sad and lonely place. He cannot win when he gambles, he will not win because he has an addiction.
I am going to leave this here for my first reply to you and wait to hear from you.
Velvet