Hi Michelle
I found your post completely fluent and I’m glad you have started a thread.
Even with an enabling mother, there is always hope Michelle – she just makes it harder.
As I have said to you, nothing I think or say is judgemental; I am just trying to find another way forward for you. I am wondering if it was your choice or your partners that you went out when he came to see you daughter. I know that anger and exasperation makes those who love CGs avoid the CG because they are fed up with hearing the same old excuses as to why there is no money but maybe this was a time that you could share news of your daughter’s achievements – not her distress. In other words lighten the atmosphere and help him to be more receptive to what you may want to say in the future.
When my CG had completed his programme in the Gordon House rehab I found the strangest thing was that he had to learn to trust me. Why wasn’t it his job to win my trust, after all ‘I had done nothing wrong’? I learned to listen because before he made the leap of faith to live gamble-free I had long-stopped listening, I had heard every excuse and given up all hope of ever believing him and I imagine that is where you are now.
Not only is your partner hiding behind his mother’s skirt he is still drivelling out the same old ‘can’t afford it’ excuses and being unreliable – all of which point to an addiction that is active but just maybe he does want to change.
Unfortunately, even though it is understandable, friends and family make unhelpful suggestions and offer little constructive support. They are only reacting to what they see happening to the person they love but these opinions help nobody. Your partner has an addiction that he didn’t ask for or want and, in my view, we are all blessed/lucky that we do not share that addiction; I appreciate for you to feel like this, however, will take a very long time and for many friends and family – never.
Your partner feels himself to be a failure and all his present behaviour is amplifying that belief. His addiction is responsible for his child’s unhappiness but instead of putting it right, he has run away and is making it worse – his addicted brain will be thriving on his failure. Something has to change and if he is not ready, willing or able (and you love him) then perhaps the change has to come from you.
If it was me, and believe me I appreciate how hard this is, I would ask for a visit, not because your daughter is distressed but because she wants to show him something, tell him about her day share a secret. I would encourage him to see his daughter is growing up and doing ok, under your parentage, rather than struggling. I wouldn’t go out but stay to ensure a happy time for both of them. I realise this feels like removing responsibility for the pain he is causing but all the anger so far has changed nothing. I also wouldn’t tell your daughter too far ahead of any possible meeting, as each failure to turn up on his part adds to her distress – he will undoubtedly let you down a few more times yet.
I cannot offer any guarantees but I am convinced that stuck in a cycle we change nothing – it has become a way of life and I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought I was off my head suggesting what appears to be a way-out for him. A way-out is often what we all need, however, bad behaviour doesn’t get better unless it is treated.
He possibly will see a pattern, (his addiction will certainly hope for it) – all he has to do is behave himself for a while and everything will go back to the way it was and he will be able to indulge his addiction. I believe from your post and having ‘spoken to you’ that this is not the case this time – this time it is all about a 4 year old dependent child and that belief in itself will give you a backbone of steel.
I often see a tug-of-war between an enabling parent and the partner of the child – I don’t think you will ever win with anger, which plays into his mother’s hands. Keeping him in his addiction is just that – ‘keeping him’ and it isn’t a right or healthy relationship but it is something you can never tell him. My CG told me that as long as I enabled he could not/would not have had the courage to face his demons. I believe, therefore, that for you to win it is best to find another way to skin the monkey.
I hope some of this helps – please keep posting, talk to our helpline. I promise to keep thinking too.
Velvet
