Hi Michelle
Sometimes I think it is difficult to differentiate between the selfish, destructive behaviour that comes with the gambling addiction and the behaviour of incredibly, thoughtless selfish people who seem to walk through life causing chaos and then walking away to the next ‘best thing’. The addiction to gamble can be controlled – yes they do cause chaos and they often walk away from relationships, for enablement, when the going gets tough – but there are also many people who leave relationships and children because they are not getting what ‘they’ want and the other man’s grass looks greener. I do hear the compulsive gambler in your partner but I can’t help wondering which came first – the selfish man who became a CG or a CG whose addiction has made him selfish – one, in my opinion, can be treated, the other I am not so sure, especially with an enabling mother. Whatever the outcome of all this, his behaviour in front of a 4 year old in the park is not acceptable.
I still believe that angry confrontation with him will only wear you out and not make a scrap of difference to him – I prefer the ‘softly softly catches monkey’ approach although that is not always possible, nor is it everybody’s way. ‘If’ he does want to change and have his daughter in his life then he obviously has a lot of work to do but in the meantime I agree with you, I would try and avoid my child speaking on the phone to the person who has the potential to cause her pain. I would not voice an opinion about her father’s feeling towards her or tell her that he is due to visit or raise her hopes in any way about her relationship with him. I am sure you can distract her at bedtime when she is tired so that she goes to sleep with warm thoughts.
I am glad that you have talked to a friend – I think that keeping up appearances is very draining and you do need ‘on the ground’ support.
My remit with GT is the addiction to gamble but as a mother/wife and human of course I see things on the wider scale. I hope that you will join me this evening so that we can talk more freely.
Velvet
