Hi Michelle
I thought it was only me that can think I have done something physical when the good intention to act has never left my head – how great it is to share and find I am not alone!
I remember feeling comforted by others going through what I was going through but also being sustained by a girl whose husband had changed his life 15 years earlier after having done horrendous to her previously in his active gambling years. With those who were still heavily wrapped up with the addiction I shared my anger, bitterness, stories of betrayal and hurt until I felt less alone. With the girl who walked so far ahead of me I learned that guilt was something I should not be carrying.
I don’t know your mum and I appreciate she is isn’t well right now – but you are a mum and you will already know that no matter what happens you would rather share your son’s pain than have him cry alone – it is the nature of motherhood. I cannot speak for your mother but I would imagine she would not want you to feel guilt that you are sharing your hurt with her – it is what mothers do.
Feeling guilty that your son’s father is a compulsive gambler will not do any of you any good, it will only fester and slow your recovery. I don’t believe that when you tell others not to feel guilt you don’t believe what you are saying so you know it makes sense. ‘You’ are not to blame, nor is your son and nor is your son’s father. None of you wanted or asked for this horrible addiction in your lives. How daft it is to beat ourselves up over something that we can’t control – how much better to spend our time working on that which we can control – learning to like and love ourselves is time better spent.
In my opinion, families and friends hope that if they don’t mention the subject of gambling and addiction the problem might go away – why prod the sleeping beast? I know it doesn’t go away Michelle and I know it because I love a CG, which is why when I ask you how you are I understand why your answer is not ‘fine thanks’. This addiction, in my view, is still not publicised enough – I am still aware after living with an active addiction for 25 years and a CG in control of his addiction for 8 years that the subject of gambling will cause the eyes of most of those who know me to glaze over – I am still preaching to those who do not want to hear.
When a relationship become estranged or ends – and even when an addiction becomes controlled and life should be good, there will always be a mountain of pieces to pick up. You have lived with a terrible addiction that has damaged your ability to laugh and smile – it will have given you self-doubt, trust issues and mind-numbing pain. It stands to reason that it will take time to recover but recover you can and will. It might appear that your partner is apparently ‘enjoying’ a new life but I can assure you he is not – as long as an addiction is not treated and controlled a new life is merely a mask for a sad existence.
I know you will be alright Michelle because when the addiction had finished with me I was a blob without personality, opinion or hope and whatever anybody says about me now they cannot doubt that I have hope and opinions galore. I don’t doubt for a second your ability to come through this dreadful experience and turn it into something good.
Be kind to yourself – you are still the young girl you were 5/6 years ago you just have a wealth of experience you didn’t have then.
Velvet
