Hi Michelle
If your ex-partner was a family friend your daughter would accept his comings with pleasure and his lack of comings as normal. Unfortunately it is not possible to undo any words he might have said that may be keeping her mind so involved with him when he isn’t there. Do you react differently to his visit than you would an uncle? There seems little question that his addiction is hurting her and therefore your behaviour is so much more important. If you are happy then hopefully she will be happy – if you are tense then she will sense it.
What is your reaction when she shows you a picture of her father? I except you would rather she was drawing a dog or a sheep in which case you could exclaim with delight how lovely it is and how much you like the interesting curl of the pink eyelashes. By all means show the same interest in the picture she draws of her father – if she is subconsciously testing your reaction she will know if you are negative. Hopefully she will begin to draw more dogs and sheep because they are more fun and get a laugh.
It does take time to process new thoughts, ones it would be fair to say you never could have imagined you would have to process. However, taking things gradually, a piece at a time, like a giant jig-saw, the picture will gradually become clear. Your daughter undoubtedly will be more in the moment than you are – she is sucking in knowledge like a sponge, watching and listening to everything around her, forming her opinions and memories for later in life.
Hovering is fine sometimes while you re-plan your life but from all your CG has said he doesn’t see a gamble-free future as being something he aspires to and that means his behaviour towards your daughter will become less acceptable. Distance from his addictive behaviour will help her develop her mind safely just as it will yours. Your boundary is a gamble-free security fence for your daughter.
If you are asking the question ‘can I live with myself if I tell him not to see her unless he has taking steps to control his addiction’, my reply would be – no you should not be answering emotionally but impassively with the informed knowledge and insight you have gained. In my opinion, this is not something that should be open for debate with an active CG; you are protecting your child and his and it is down to you to make the best decision for her, however I think such a decision would best be discussed with the counseling group you have approached
It seems to me that you can be confident that you are going the right way with your daughter; you have lots of lovely things planned with her and a holiday that sounds great.
Velvet
