Hi Mermaid
This will be a bit of a potted version of a separation coping method as I am supposed to be somewhere else but I promised you I would put this on your thread. We can ‘talk’ about it over the next however long. As I told you it is not a method recognised professionally but it worked for me and it works for many.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten his addiction it will stays quiet, although don’t ever kid yourself that it isn’t watching and listening.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction but it is important to remember that you do not have to be. When you threaten his addiction, it will come between you and control the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once his addiction beast is between you, the only thing you will hear will be his addiction speaking and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband can’t comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that while I was telling him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back with blame and lies because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will be able to reclaim your own life and that is the right way forward for both of you. In pitying a CG you can become vulnerable to his addiction – don’t pity him but be strong and stand against his addiction, it is what he needs most of all.
I will leave it there and go to where I should be – it was good to ‘talk’ tonight.
Velvet
