I don’t feel qualified to try and work out what’s going in your mind, but I can give you my humble opinion based on my experience.
I gambled and gambled and gambled while I still had something to lose. I have hit rock bottom and I am a rizla papers width away from having to sleep on the streets if I continue.
The way I see it, your mind is still telling you that you have lives in credit and therefore the urge to push your luck further and further is trying to control you.
You still have a lot to lose and gamblers do have self destruct buttons that they press and some don’t stop pressing them until they have absolutely nothing left to lose, i.e. people like me.
Don’t lose faith, all you’ve lost thus far is money and time, yes it’s not ideal losing anything, but if you carry on, you’ll lose your family eventually and then your resistance to the gambling demons will be greatly reduced. Now remember, I’m speaking from my experiences, but this is a realistic worse case scenario that may await you should you not stop gambling.
You have to stay positive, replace those negative thoughts and try not to let them dominate your life. Easier said than done, but it’s what you have to do.
You need a hobby, maybe something you and your wife can do together. Some distraction. We are in the early days regards our attempts to stop gambling so don’t beat yourself up because you still think about it. I’ve thought about nothing else for nearly 10 years solid, how on Earth can I expect to shut it out completely within one week. I know I can’t, but what I can do is focus on my goals, make them realistic and achievable and take baby steps on that road to recovery. Don’t try to run before you can walk. Remember every step taken away from gambling, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction. These don’t have to be giant strides.
Keep strong and get those negative thoughts out of your mind and stay positive. Every time you think negative thoughts, look at a picture of your son, if he’s in reach, pick him up…
Keep the fight going, you can do this.
Charlster2