Hi Mamakate
I think that Charles has probably confirmed your beliefs. I was going to write in a similar vein but I am pleased that you got the advice from someone who (as Charles puts it) is on ‘the other side’. I tend to rather think of CGs and those who love them as being two sides of the same coin – both affected by the same addiction, both struggling to understand and both in need of direction.
The support network that you have in place sounds great but if your husband wants further encouragement then I believe it is great to take all the support you can. Charles has suggested GA and I know it is successful for many. Our Helpline groups and forums on this site are also terrific places for your husband to find support.
However, this forum is for you. Your health, confidence and self-esteem will probably have taken quite a battering in recent years so I hope you will keep posting. As Charles has written, keeping a journal here can be a great way to forge your own recovery. Looking back and seeing how far one has come can be very rewarding.
All the following only really works if you are looking after yourself. I see you have written that you have learned not to need him and for me I think this is good for you but not necessarily good for him to know. I learned total independence when my first husband left me with 3 very small children but when I married again I was given some great advice from a colleague; she told me never to let my husband know I could do everything – 43 years later that advice holds good.
I would normally suggest that you take over all the finances but I can see where Charles is coming from when he talks about sharing financial decisions. Maybe it would be good to start off with you keeping control and then, in time, to encourage him to share – the support of loves ones can be incredibly beneficial to a CG facing his demons.
A CG will often face a void without his addiction and loved ones can help to fill this with healthy, happy thoughts and actions. Your husband’s memories, at the moment, are almost certainly not good so encouraging him to engage in honest, healthy things will allow him to start to build better memories. I think it is often difficult to hold a conversation with a CG, after years of him actively indulging his addiction, not to be constantly asking if he is ‘ok’, or ‘where have you been’, or ‘who have you seen’. Fostering non-gambling conversations and activities can show him that his future can be a happier gamble-free place.
I will leave this reply here and wait to hear from you again. I appreciate you are not a crisis point but I hope you are getting the support that will help you in these early recovery days.
Velvet
