I’m not a counsellor, I’m a compulsive gambler that’s been to hell and back like most people on here.
I’m only reading between the lines here, but you don’t seem to be in a better place than you were 6 months ago. Forgive me if I’m mistaken. If you have been refused help, it’s probably because you haven’t asked the right people yet. If you’re not getting the support you need from your GA group, look up another group that’s accessible to you. I urge you to keep seeking help, you will find it. I know I can’t tough this out on my own, I need help to recover. I’ve done something only this past week that I haven’t done before. I opened up graphically to people that I hardly know, but who had the power to possibly help me and relieve some of the pressure in my life. Yes it could have backfired, but nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say. It turned out better than I could have imagined. I got more help from people this week than I have got from some blood relatives!! A real learning curve, I can tell you. You deserve every snippet of help that you can get and if you keep asking, you will find it.
One thing you said that really took me aback was when you said that when you go the casino you can find the old you and you miss the old you. I actually hate the person I am when I go back to the dark gambling world. It clearly shows that something is lacking in your life if you like the old you at the casino more than the you now. Again, forgive me if I’m wrong, but it appears that is what you’re are saying.
In my experience, when I’ve been depressed, down, consumed by my addiction, I’ve given off the wrong vibes to people around me, sometimes unknowingly. In the past, I’ve preferred to free up time to gamble rather than hang out with those close to me. Eventually, people drifted away and stopped asking for my company and in my life they disappeared in their droves. Charlster the gambler is not a pleasant person. He’s self-centred, insular, unsociable, selfish and I could go on. People feed off each other and if you give off negative vibes, people tend to find excuses not to be around you. We then end up blaming everyone else, when all we have to do is actually change our own demeanour. It made me a very bitter person, because I thought everyone was abandoning me, not caring about me, etc, etc. No one else was to blame except me. No one wanted to be around a miserable git like me who spent his gambling days wallowing in self-pity.
I would say that you can change your life. You don’t have to accept your fate, I think you can dictate you own destiny, but it’s only you that can do it. I’m sure you will find that once you work at being happier, people will be naturally drawn to you, because they’ll feed off all the positivity that you’ll radiate. You won’t even know that you are doing it, but you’ll see people reacting more positively towards you.
I’m in the infancy of my recovery, so I’ve yet to practice what I preach, but it doesn’t stop me from analysing my life and planning what I need to do to change things and I’m only relaying to you how I think things will pan out in my life if I make changes.
Keep posting and keep seeking the support and help you deserve and more importantly, keep fighting. Your happiness and life is priceless, so fight tooth and nail to salvage it, it’s never too late.
Be happy,
Charlster.