Hi Loopy
Your son does not want to take responsibility for his gambling ‘at the moment’ and that is why he blames you, he probably blames everybody but himself.
Guilt is totally unnecessary. You are not to blame for your son’s addiction; neither you nor he asked for it or wanted it in your lives. At some point in his life he placed a bet for fun as man has been doing since time began – he couldn’t have know that, for him, this action would lead to addiction, if he had know he would never have placed that first bet.
Diamond’s post to you is great but I know how hard it is to understand what giving the right support means. I fully understand your feeling that you cannot offer anymore and believe that this is often the turning point for those who love CGs. In my opinion, support is not clearing his debts or giving him cash; support is directing him to the help ‘when he wants it’; support is being there when he is ready to change; but most of all support is looking after yourself because If you are wiped out by his behaviour it will not help you or him. Your son does not want to bring you down – but his addiction will, if you allow it.
I don’t think any parent of a CG does not become driven to distraction by thoughts of prison or death for their child when they are in the eye of the addiction storm. While I was losing sleep, as you are doing, the CG in my life told me that he would always have found a floor on which to sleep, someone to feed him and of course money to gamble. Whereas, you would stop doing something that meant you could go to prison, your son is blinkered and sees only ‘the gamble’ as being a means to an end. You cannot make him stop gambling – the choice to do so, is his.
I cannot tell you what to do Loopy, I don’t have a crystal ball – but I do know that as long as a CG has enablement, the determination to face the addiction is harder. You are doing all the worrying and your son is carrying on regardless. To stop the cycle, I believe, someone has to say ‘no’.
My favourite quote is by Mahatma Gandi ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results.
Please keep posting and hopefully I will ‘see’ you again on Tuesday evening.
Velvet
