I am off on holiday tomorrow but it was good to catch up with you in the group and I wanted to leave you a post before I left. I have had my partner here until Wednesday which is why I haven’t had a chance to respond before but I can see you have been well supported.
As Velvet and Vera have already said there are no quick fixes or easy outcomes, loving a CG is full of difficult choices. I know you have read my posts and know the many years of struggle we have had and don’t forget my partner was already aware and voicing to me the depth of his addiction when I met him yet it was years before he sought help and then only when he got into a situation where he felt his life was in danger and with a lot of pressure from both myself and his Mum, even after getting that help it was years again before he could use the tools he has been given.
A CG does not just wake up one morning, admit he has a problem, seek help and be cured but I know you know this. It is hard to accept. I used to think if only the gambling was sorted things would be perfect. In truth I am glad it took my CG time to recover and we had space from each other, he needed it, I needed it too for my recovery.
Without us both turning ourselves inside out and looking at all the deep dark corners we would not have the relationship we have today. I am proud of him for the work he put in and I am also proud of me. We are two strong independent people who chose to be together but would also be fine apart, it is now a healthy relationship.
It is very true what Velvet said about the change in a person after they enter recovery. In the old days my CG was a villain and a tough guy, the was also charming and charismatic, he had that edge of danger. These days he is a big softy, he jokes about getting old and boring and is a lot less unpredictable. All the things he was in the past excited the old me, it is only that I have grown myself that means I now much prefer the new him. Equally I was far more volatile and unpredictable myself, I was temperamental and emotionally dependent on him. If one of us had changed without the other the reconciliation never would of worked. If he had not changed his recovery would not be continuing. If I had not changed I would still be falling for the same type of man he used to be.
The best thing you can ever do is work on you for you, we always say about a CG ‘they have to want to’ this equally applies to us, we have to really want to grow and change and move forward, it can be scary, it can mean leaving people behind, it is a leap of faith but I can tell you doing what is best for you is always the right thing to do. Being strong is about looking after you it is not about being a constant receiver of someone else’s problems without complaint or showing distress, it took me a long time to learn this!
I have to go as I have lots of packing to do but I will be thinking of you and hope to hear great news about your job when you get back. Lily xx