Hi Lily, hi velvet,
Firstly, the interview. I think things went really well. They really liked me and I think they will want to offer me something. I am a bit of a niche character in my field though, so think there may be logistics issues and if they can offer me the right role/salary. They dont seem to be in a big rush to make me an offer either, which is a bit annoying and leaves me a little in limbo.
Secondly, the rest of my weekend. It was awesome to see my parents and I went for lunch with them and it was brill. And i saw my best friends which was also great. They both know what is going on with CG and what’s been going on with me and have been a lot more supportive. Although one of them is very very vocal about disliking CG rather than supporting me.
So she had a go at me about CG, which came from a good place but was just an attack on CG rather than support for me. She obviously has he own views about addiction, I made it clear that I didnt want to talk about addiction but she pushed the point saying that I was bottling things up. So that escalated as she wasnt willing to listen and was coming out with things like “If CG CHOSE not to gamble anymore, Logic, he wouldnt be an addict.” So that was really frustrating and in the end i just had to stop talking and walk away from the situation.
Just feel like a voice drowning among the more shouty voices at the min. And that isnt me. I’m usually very headstong on my views and opinions but i’m just tired of being backed into corners and trying to fight my way out.
CG and I have had a difficult few weeks. As discussed above, with the chance that I may be moving away and i know there have been a lot of things that have happened recently where CG is pushing for a reaction from me. Unfortunately, he knows the right buttons to press with me, so sometimes I do react in a more volatile and confrontational way than I should.
Oh i completely agree that he is indulging it. His dad had had a couple of wins so his interest was peaked and he had a weekend by himself, ill and bored. Everyday his parents order the papers, everyday he comes home from work, first thing he does is grab the paper and straight to the racing section. Its habit. I’m under no illusion that there is nothing in him that actually wants to stop gambling, no matter how much he says he hates it.
I get that my post is concerning, it wasnt meant to be. I was just trying to be honest. When I’m away from him like now, it is so easy and clear in my mind that i need to step away.
1) in order to break the cycle
2) for CG to have any chance of actually making a change
3) and most importantly, for me. To save myself. To do the things that are right for me. To move myself forwards. To be happy.
But then I’m with CG and i just feel like, it could all just be so easy. It really could. And i know im wandering around in my rose tinted specs where nothing is going to change and I’m happy in the moment but not in the long term. I just cant imagine my life without him in it.
I dont know how else to describe it. When i’m with CG, its like im in a dream. Its what I want but its not real. and eventually I go back to my real life and i remember that there’s a lot of negatives around all of this and it is really pulling me down. I am letting the addiction pull me strings and i need to be putting more barriers in place to stop it.
Thanks for listening both. I realised this weekend how much i still need support . Can one of you please confim the time of the F&F group on Thurs. I usually struggle with Thursdays but the 21.00-22.00 time on the group page must be wrong as i was planning on being in the group last week but i think i missed it. x