Hi Leda
I understand that your husband’s cheerfulness is giving you cause to feel more miserable and afraid – it is a common reaction. Don’t be scared by the thought that you don’t like your husband, in my view it is extremely difficult to like the behaviour of an active CG but as long as you feel that your life is determined by his addiction you will be miserable and afraid whilst he will have moments of high that will always be followed by times of low.
You can’t force your husband to rock bottom. Rock bottom is a mental state. Some CGs sink to a terrible black abyss before they recognise that their addiction will not let them go but other CGs don’t go to such depths before they recognise and accept their problem. Regardless of the depth, however, they need the tools with which they can control their addiction; these tools are willingly given to those who seek to live gamble-free.
I do not accept your premise that you will never be able to leave money or credit cards with your husband although, in my opinion, credit cards are not the best thing for many people, CG or not. My CG has a debit card and I would happily now leave him with money.
Divorce is very final and is a decision that only you can make but in my view it does not appear to be the outcome you want most. I can follow your thinking that a legal divorce will separate your finances and even that ‘you’ can see a way to staying with him but I would be amazed if he shared your thinking.
I’m afraid that his certificate in addiction counselling doesn’t surprise me as much as it should – becoming a counsellor does not make a person perfect. Sadly what it probably does mean is that he has the words but not the empathy.
I understand how you arrived at the thought “the logic is simple enough: either you can give something up or you can’t. If you can, and the thing is hurting someone you love, then why keep doing it?” but it is not that simple. The addiction to gamble lacks logic and reason so trying to make sense of the senseless will only confuse you further. The logic your put forward could be reasonably applied to smoking but the addiction to gamble is not on the same addiction spectrum as smoking.
I believe that CGs are punished enough by owning such a terrible addiction. I have no idea why my CG has the addiction to gamble and I have not but I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would never have laid the first innocent bet if he could have foreseen what misery this simple act was going to cost him and all those around him.
Please keep posting – getting your thoughts and anger out will help you to make the right decision for you and hopefully for your husband. I got tremendous relief by keeping a private journal that I was able to destroy bit by bit when my CG took control of his addiction.
You are not powerless over ‘your’ life – what you do next is down to you.
Velvet
