Thanks for your supportive post.
Yesterday my eldest son rang me and we spoke for over an hour. He has had quite a cathartic time and cried a lot over the past week or so not wanting to be alive but same as me not doing it for the love of our family. I know that feeling and dark place well and I know I have done much to connect spiritually and work through and release all of the unhappiness of decades.
He was very calm but wanted his parents to own some of the stuff that had formed him as a person. He knew his stepfather would not own any of it and he also
knew that I would own my stuff. He also told me something deeply personal he had done as a teen which I can’t repeat on the forum. I wasn’t shocked but was glad he had told me. It was honest communication He said that he understood why all these patterns happened because of things that had happened to us as children and he also said that he forgave us. I will admit my pattern early on of being suicidal cos I was deeply unhappy. When my relationship ended with his stepfather which I instigated, I drank too much for a short time. I have rarely drunk alcohol for many years now knowing it for the self medication it is. He admitted to once upon a time wanting to kill pete for the things he had done to me. My son is also deeply unhappy. He has a turbulent relationship with his girlfriend who is much younger than him, 22 to his 36. He gives too much of himself and gets hurt, something I used to do, ie fall in love and fall hard with blinkers on and lose ourselves in the other. Isn’t that something we have all done?
At 60 I am having a relationship with myself and that is ok. The past is being released. He a,so said I was an inspiration and a strong woman because of what i am co querying in a daily basis.
My son went went to France recently to see his girlfriend where she is staying for a while and they had just one of those honest happy times without any expectation of the other. One where the stuff doesn’t get in the way. My granddaughter is going off the rails just like I did. I think this is the healing of the family coming on which I welcome. It is time to heal this stuff and lead happier lives. It didn’t upset me talking about this but it did make me reflect on what made me who I was and how every day we can do better. There are things to heal and things to forgive. I run away sometimes from intimacy of deep feelings with my family because it scares me. I don’t want to love too much because we can get deep,y hurt by that love. The dilemma of living as a human being on the planet.
This is the real things in our lives that shapes us and our patterns.
I also know for true that all,of these things can be transformed in Jesus, I have relented my past life and he can do the things for me that I cannot do, in his mighty name, amen.
