Hi Lala
Writing that post must have been really difficult for you; you have given me such a complete picture and I understand everything you have written – well done.
I am sure that your father is still all the things you believed that he was but unfortunately at some point he has gambled for pleasure or possibly a quick return. He probably won and felt something that you and I would not feel which meant he couldn’t stop once he had started – he was addicted. With the addiction to gamble comes very unpleasant behaviour that causes great distress to those who love a CG. Your father is a fallen idol for now but I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled – which is something your father is probably not ready to appreciate yet.
You have handled everything so well. You told your mother which, in my opinion, was the right thing to do because even if her reaction was to call him ‘stupid’ and say ‘how could you’ (which I agree doesn’t help), it was an understandable reaction.
You have a greater chance of being heard if you talk kindly but unfortunately your dad’s addiction will not want to listen. The following method of coping is not recommended by professionals but many of us have used it at the beginning and found it works.
Imagine your dad’s addiction like a snarling beast in the corner of his mind, always awake and ready to defend itself. When you talk to your dad, provided you don’t provoke his addiction, the beast stays quiet but as soon as it feels threatened it puffs itself up and fills his mind and does anything to protect itself. The addiction beast is the master of manipulation and threats, it lies to protect itself and it doesn’t want to hear that it can be beaten. Once it is control it fills your dad’s mind leaving no room for kindness, logic or reason and it reacts with lies and promises that mean nothing – as you so rightly say, he wants you to back off. With the ‘right’ treatment he can begin to tip the addiction out of his mind leaving room for goodness and honestly.
Talking to him gently therefore is preferable because it can confuse the beast because it would rather have argument which in turn gives it a reason to gamble.
Maybe you could download the 20-questions which you will find on the gamblers anonymous web-site. This is a way for your dad to hopefully see the damage he is causing which may help him realise that he has a recognised addition but that there is support if he wants it.
Maybe you could suggest to him that he talks to our terrific Helpline, or comes into a CG group on this site, or joins in the CG forum entitled ‘My Journal’. All these things put him in touch with CGs who are living in control of their addiction or are seriously trying to do so. He will be very welcome and he will be understood in a way that you and I cannot understand. Maybe you could find your local GA group and ask him if he would consider going to get support for himself.
Your question ‘will making him feel bad make him worse?’ is an excellent one. Your father will already be feeling worthless and a failure because as a CG, he will always, ultimately, lose the gamble causing his lack of self-esteem to grow. I hope that having read about the beast you will be able to make up your own mind on this..
Even if they don’t realise it, your parents are very fortunate to have a daughter like you and it is important that you look after yourself. Look after your baby, keep up with your friends and your hobbies, talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, keep posting here – do everything and anything that keeps you secure and safe. In his addictive state your dad will not appreciate what you are doing but if he controls his addiction he will know where the strength lay and be proud.
I have written more than I meant to – keep posting, I will be here for you.
Velvet
