Hi Km
I have been a way for a few days and I am sorry to see you have not had further replies, however the weekends can be very quiet.
Your family and friends are trying to protect you but on this site you will never be told to leave or to stay, you will be given knowledge that will help you make informed decisions because it is ‘your’ life that matters. Knowledge of your fiancé’s addiction will give you power over it and help you cope.
Although it seems terrible that your fiancé is not expressing remorse, such expressions are usually no more than lip-service when spoken by an active CG (compulsive gambler) – it is only in actions that true remorse should be seen. His defensiveness is understandable, his self-esteem and confidence will be shattered and he is probably attacking to defend what he knows is unacceptable behaviour, learning how to speak to him and support him comes with understanding.
Many CG use lies to cover for their addiction and the longer the addiction is allowed to grow the worse the lies can become. However I would not be writing to you now unless I knew that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result.
I cannot tell you what to do because decisions must be yours but if it was me I would tell my fiancé that I had sought support for myself and found out that he is not alone and that there is treatment and help for him if he wants it. I suggest you download the 20 questions which can be found on the gamblers anonymous website and ask him to look at it – maybe he has not realised how far he has sunk into his addiction and perhaps this may help him see that his problem is recognised and also that in the right places he really is understood.
In the meantime perhaps it would be a good idea if his parents knew that you were seeking support – I assume from what you have said that they know their son has a problem. It is important that your fiancé recognises that he has a problem and the more people around him who are willing to support him the right way the better. He will need to take responsibility for his debts as part of taking control of his addiction and changing his life. Clearing his gambling debts will only make it easier for him to gamble further as such an action only feeds a hungry and corrosive addiction.
It is common for CGs to struggle with talking to those closest to them and as such, it is no reflection on you. Hard though it is, you cannot save your fiancé, only he can do that but the fact that he can save himself is the most important message to give to him.
I will leave this post here for now and await a reply from you as I understand that matters around you were going to happen very fast. Even though your parents are struggling with their feelings towards your fiancé, I hope they willing to support you at this time – with 3 small children I would imagine you need support.
I hope to hear soon from you, I do have a group tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hours UK time when we can communicate in real time and you will be very welcome and of course this forum is always available. We also have a marvellous Helpline which is here for you and your fiancé.
Well done writing your first post
Velvet
