Hi Kirin
You talked a lot about what you ‘could have done’ which was also my thought when I first started on my road to recovery. What I say now is, that I will never do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ because I didn’t do whatever and no amount of wishing makes a scrap of difference – yesterday is gone. I think those who love active CGs spend far too much time thinking about what they have done wrong and about opportunities to change things.
I lived with an active gambling addiction in my life for 25 years and I hadn’t got a clue what a gambling addiction was for 23 of those years. It is not possible to know what difference knowing earlier would have made so there is no point in beating oneself up over ‘yesterday’. Once you have gained knowledge you can make better choices.
By all means use the past for reference but don’t waste time wishing you could change it because you can’t. Neither of us can alter the experience that has gone but we can change what we do and think today.
I know what it feels like to wake up and have your mind flooded by the problems that addiction causes but worry changes nothing; all my plans and efforts to stop my CG wrecking his life did nothing except wear me out and cause me untold misery. I suggest, that you take an hour or two every day in which you deny thoughts of the addiction to enter your mind – see friends, indulge in hobbies and interests, walk in the park, read a book – anything that gives you pleasure and stops you thinking about your mother’s addiction. It works because you give your mind a rest while you build up experiences that are yours to treasure, creating healthier dreams for your future.
I can already hear that you are solid and able to be the rock for your family but if the addiction to gamble is in the forefront of your mine every waking hour then you will weaken. I fully appreciate the way your father feels – would he like to contact our Helpline or join this forum? I suspect he has not understood his wife’s addiction and has, therefore, unwittingly enabled her to indulge it. I would imagine that he was not as surprised as you thought he would be with regard to the sale of the house – he has almost certainly lived with disappointment for most of his marriage. It doesn’t matter what age he is Kirin he is quite capable of living a better life and I believe better living come from knowledge.
To live a gamble free life it will be important for your mother to accept responsibility for her behaviour and its consequences but every time her gambling debts are wiped out she will see it as the opportunity to gamble further. Many CG have to be allowed to hurt themselves enough to make them want to change but enablement will always keep them in the cycle.
Keep posting, you are doing well
Velvet
