Hi Kat
It is hard for a compulsive gambler, who really wants to control his addiction and believes he is at last doing everything right, when he feels that those around him can’t just forgive and forget – but superhuman we are not and I would imagine you have experienced years of pain before this possible recovery.
Some years ago, another member put the following on her thread. I hope it helps.
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.
• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.
• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.
• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.
• Forgiveness isn’t easy.
It is possible that your husband’s anger towards you is designed to deflect his anger from himself. If he is accepting his addiction and beginning to take responsibility for years of poor behaviour, then guilt may be weighing heavily on him and guilt makes healing harder.
I won’t pretend that any of this is easy Kat – I think in many ways it is worse than actually living with the addiction when it was active!
I’m not sure your husband needs to see a psychologist – controlling the addiction takes time but the things you describe all sound like they are part of his addiction – I can certainly relate to having seen paranoia, anger and anxiety. Perhaps in time, if he wants more support, he might feel he would like to talk to someone other than his sponsor and this would, in my opinion, be the time to find a dedicated addiction counsellor.
15 days is still a drop in the ocean compared to years of addiction – your husband will almost certainly be impatient which is normal with a CG – unfortunately only time and constant awareness of his behaviour will give him the gamble-free life he seems to want. However, gamblers usually feel a void when they seek to control their addiction, which is one of the hardest things they have to contend with and which, if left untreated, can result in a slip or relapse. Maybe you could talk about things that he would like to do with his gamble-free life, what hobbies he would like to take up, what things he would like to do with you what things you would like to do with him, such as going out for a meal or taking the children to a park/ leisure centre/sea-side/wildlife park. If recovery is all about talking about the past it is hard to look forward to the future. The past is what you both make of it, you can use it to hurt yourselves or others, or you can use it to make you strong.
I understand your feelings and your reaction, but your husband’s lack of understanding is common to many CGs. Maybe you could ask him to put his concern about your reactions to his sponsor. His sponsor has probably been gamble-free for some time and should know the problems that family members have. Your husband will probably accept it better from another CG.
It seems that I am telling you to do all the understanding and I am sure you are fed-up being the one who has to do all the understanding. Anger is natural and very understandable but I suggest that you try and avoid fights, which are a waste of breath and energy. The addiction to gamble erodes logic and reason which means your husband will probably be struggling with understanding many of the things that you take for granted. The only coping mechanism he has known for years is probably to demoralise and blame the person closest to him. Walk away if you can and go and do something that you enjoy but maybe tell him that you will talk later when the anger, for both of you, has abated. Keeping the door open to calm communication does more good, for both of you, than all the fights.
Keep posting – while there are changes, even if they are small, there is hope. You are doing well in a difficult situation.
Velvet