Hi June
The addiction to gamble demands secrecy and those around it very often oblige unwittingly, thinking they are doing the right thing. You need good ‘on the ground’ support so, in my opinion, you should not panic about telling your friends and family about this problem.
In my experience people who have not lived with the addiction to gamble tend to struggle with understanding and as a result their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive. In view of that I believe it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. You are going to get your knowledge here and you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge. At no time will it ever be suggested that you leave or to stay in your relationship – everything will be in your hands.
I hope it will ease the pain you are going to through to know that your boyfriend didn’t ask, or want this terrible addiction in his life, anymore than you. It is very unlikely that he has hurt you deliberately; far more that he has been swept along with an addiction that he doesn’t know how to control.
Sadly, without treatment your boyfriends’ addiction will get worse – it is quite likely that his addicted mind will be trying, even now, to work out how he can gamble the money back that he has lost – it is his only answer to devastating problems.
You don’t say what, if anything, your boyfriend has done to seek help for himself. Saying he is sorry will never be enough – he has to act positively to control his addiction. We have a brilliant Helpline, facilitated CG (compulsive gambler) groups, and ‘My Journal’ forum where he would be welcome and understood as those who do not share his addiction will probably never understand. The Helpline is there for you too. There are also many GA groups where he would be supported.
In the meantime I suggest you ask him to turn over all the finances to you, put everything in your name and ensure that pin numbers, etc. are safe. I suggest that you do tell him that you are seeking help, I think it is good for CGs to feel that their loved ones are on their side even though it will mean that enablement will cease.
‘Who you talk to’ is a difficult question. In my own experience and in the experience of many others, general counsellors did not offer any real support and certainly in my case, did more harm than good. The best support comes from dedicated addiction counsellors and therapists, Gamanon – which is the sister group of GA and obviously this site and all its services.
You and your recovery are so important at this time, not just for you but for your boyfriend as well. There is a lot more to tell you but I will leave it there and await your reply.
I know how hard it is to write the first post – so well done.
Velvet
