Hi John. What an honest post. Well done john .. It’s not easy to be so honest .
Firstly John I don’t believe you are selfish .. You have an addiction which is very active and must be fed before even your body is fed.
That’s how strong this addiction is.
You are in a bad place but you are also a resourceful person John. You might have to just own up to a lot of people and then ask them to help you break free of this addiction .
You simply cannot work on a laptop which does not have a gambling block. Probably not one person in here could, if they gamble on line. This must be your priority. It stopped me when I was caught in a vicious cycle.
I am wondering if you have thought about residential treatment . I think it might be good for you to take the time To recover without the pressures of every day life but I am no expert in this area.
You have a lot going on John but this difficult time will pass. I think it is fair to say that it has been made worse by gambling .most of us have been at a place where we felt like giving up. Only three months ago I thought I could never stop. It is hard. The urges drive you crazy. But it can be done and you will do it John. Let this be your rock bottom. The only way is up.
Could you live with your dad for a while John and support him after his op ? Don’t worry about your brother . He will come round. For now John be completely selfish. Dedicate yourself 100% to your recovery. Fit your own oxygen mask before you help others.
I think the fact that most of your post is about how you can’t do what you want to for other people shows how unselfish you are.
Take time out from worrying about others. Put you first . When you have yourself together then worry about other people.
You are a good person John and you will overcome this..