Hi JLF
To find out how to make a compulsive gambler be honest, I think, it is good to understand why they are not.
A compulsive gambler will probably have used lies to cover early losses and the feelings of failure that accompany the addiction. Having successfully deflected the attention of those around them, from their gambling, the lies become normal. As time passes and the losses accrue (which they will because that is the nature of the addiction) the lies can get even more fanciful – they become a way of dealing with life, often with situations that are not gambling related. A memory peppered with lies is confusing and the gambler can begin to believe his lies are his truth.
I suspect that your boyfriend did not want you to look at his other account because it showed up what he believes is his failure and it might stop any form of enablement from you including your loving him – he needs you to believe his lies.
Has there been a time that he has acknowledged his problem or sought any support? There is a lot of support for compulsive gamblers but of course they must recognise they have a problem in the first place.
I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that on a good day it might help you to gently tell him that you have sought help for you and that you know there is help for him.
Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions from their web site and ask him to look at them. Many compulsive gamblers feel they are alone with their problem and that there is nobody who can understand.
You write that he has gambler friends but they might be managing their gambling and walking away when they are losing. Your boyfriend will not understand why he cannot. A non-compulsive gambler will probably cover for his friends because he doesn’t realise the seriousness of the addiction.
You write that he has borrowed from family and friends, I am not sure that compulsive gamblers borrow – they take available money from those who do not understand in the hope they will win – when they do not win they chase those loses until all is gone and the lender is often left without reimbursement.
I think it is important to know that a compulsive gambler does not gamble for financial gain, it is the gamble itself that excites. It is difficult for friends and family to understand because they see money as a commodity to buy things and to live better, not to squander for no reward.
I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which hopefully will give you some insight into the roller-coaster that is your boyfriend’s addiction.
Giving active compulsive gambler money is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink, maybe his friends and family would do well to know that. It is enablement when a gambler’s debts are cleared by another.
I am going to leave this reply here now and await a reply from you. Please ask me whatever you want to know and I will do my best to answer you.
Velvet
