Hi Jessie
How often we think we don’t belong because we don’t understand what it is that is hurting us. I remember entering a Gamanon meeting for the first time and being overwhelmed to find I was not alone and I hope that is what you will feel in this forum. Gamanon is the sister group of GA and it might be worth your while looking it up in your area – it is great to sit in a room where you are understood.
I would say you husband definitely has a problem with gambling and you are definitely not overreacting.
Maybe you could have a look at the 20 questions on the Gamblers anonymous website and possibly download them for him to find – handing them to him will probably only result in another argument. Many CGs (compuslvie gamblers) do not recognise they have a problem but the 20 questions might help him to realise he is not alone in what he is doing.
I think your husband is probably putting up a good front because being a gambler with a problem is not a happy experience. Constant losses cause feelings of failure which result in loss of confidence and self-esteem and that is tough on anybody. As long as he keeps the good front up though he can continue indulging his addiction without coming to terms with it and doing something about it.
It never seems to amount to much as advice but looking after yourself is the best thing you can do, not only for you but also for your husband. He is being ‘cared for’ by his addiction but you are the one watching and hurting. While he continues gambling he will not have the time and the energy for you, that you deserve, so please keep in touch with your friends and family and do things that please you and have nothing to do with gambling.
I suggest you protect your finances and if this means being secretive so be it. My CG told me he would have taken me all the way to the bottom ‘if I had allowed it’.
You mention arguments and being furious but these things only hurt you; so although the following is not a professionally recognized coping method it has proved an excellent way for many to cope
Imagine your husband’s addiction/problem as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten it, it stays quiet and listens.
When you threaten your husband’s addiction/problem, the beast leaps between you and manipulates the conversation causing arguments which give him the excuse to tell you that you are overreacting. Once the beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction/problem speaking and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you argue back, your husband will only hear his addiction’s distorted perception of your words. Never issue ultimatums that you do not mean or do not fully intend to carry out.
It is better to listen than to argue, so perhaps you could come here and write down what he has said. His addiction/problem will be confused with the lack of argument which is good for you. This might sound negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of his problem giving you time and energy to look after you.
Allowing a loved one to fail and fall is tough – falling with them is tougher because there is nobody in control. Your husband is convinced his addiction loves him and will come right for him in the end but CGs always lose because that is the nature of the beast.
Do you have good support in family and friends?
Keep posting and hopefully pop in to the F&F group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time.
Velvet
