Hi Jac,
I just read your posts. I’m glad your daughter is getting you some help. It’s hard to see the way out when the fog is so heavy. How can you ever find yourself if you never realize you’re lost? Yes you fought for your country and you are a hero. Yes you have great daughter and people that love because I’m sure you’re a great person. And by the amounts of money you gamble I know what that kind of gambling does to a person. I was right there. I gambled the same way and for over 20 years. I also hated myself. Man I was amazing at placing bets. I could place one right after the other. Truth is… I was sick…very sick…I was lost…. I still am a bit but things are getting better slowly. I was where you are… I promise I was.
You are sick. You are stuck in the gambling fog. You have only one choice and it isn’t suicide. And committing suicide may not seem cowardly to the person doing it but unfortunately all people will remember is that you weren’t strong enough to handle yourself. Call it cowardly, call it weak, call it strong, people generally don’t want to remember a suicide because it’s scary. Just a thought. I had a best friend commit suicide over a year ago and it was tragic. I think he is missing out on the opportunity and chance at being strong enough to turn his life around. Anyone can die… Anyone can kill them self. You say it’s hard. I’m sure it is. But isn’t it harder to try to change it all around? Is all lost? Maybe? Has all been lost for others and have have they clawed there way back? Yes… My grandfather was in the holocaust. He figured it out after losing everything. At least we did this to ourselves…
I think it’s time to take a good look at things… Firstly being that you aren’t a bad person. You are lost, you are sick, you have been corrupted by this machine. The reality is you are a good person. You have so much to offer the work and your loved ones. Money comes and money goes. The chance to come back is now. What an amazing story it will be. Jac’s comeback from the lowest depths…. of where a person can go.
You have to want to stop though. Ask yourself some important questions? Why didn’t you stop when you had more than 0? How come you didn’t stop when you went into debt? How come you are willing to kill yourself? Why are you seeking attention by talking about it online? These are honest questions that need to be addressed? I believe you are looking for help – yet you claim it’s over. The thoughts you’re having aren’t rational… That’s kind of what I’m getting at. If you were listening to someone saying these things you would have advise for them… I suggest you take that advise. You need to decide that gambling is over. It’s a horrible thing…. You need to just turn over all finances to someone you care about that can watch things for you and can give you a stipend to live on daily. DO what you need to get back to a place that can start happening. It will if you just don’t gamble. Seek help at GA and get a counselor. Block all access to casinos, online, tracks, etc which won’t matter because you won’t have access to any money. Maybe get a free therapist that the government will provide. Start exercising. Get outdoors and walk through nature 20 minutes a day. Start stretching. Start doing breathing techniques. Start doing a yoga class twice a week. Start doing TM. Start doing one old hobby you used to like. Stop watching all sports, horses, etc. Most importantly…. Let it all goooooo… The money is gone. The time is gone. All the lies are done. All the bull crap is done. You are at negative and are going to slowly start clawing back just to get to zero. And then from there the skies the limit.
A person needs 4 things. 1. Something to be hopeful for. 2. Someone that believes n them. 3. Something to do everyday. 3 Someone or something to love. Those are the basic foundations and everything can be build off that. Start living one day at a time…seriosuly…one moment to the next. Think about what that means and do it. Start loving yourself. Start being gratful for what you have. Stop comparing yourself to the top 10% and Realize that we are here for a time and then gone in a blink of an eye and whats most important… love, friendships, caring, spending time with each other, the chance to collaborate with others, the chance to do something nice for the planet…. I believe in you Jac. What’s your next move?
Jon