Hi Hope
I’m so please that WM has posted to you, it is so good to hear more than one voice saying the same thing, which is the beauty of Gamanon too. This forum is always availalble and you can post anytime and be heard which is one of our best features – Gamanon is usually once a week and it can be frustrating to wait for the meetings but they can be so worthwhile because you can touch a hand or exchange a smile. Obviously they are made up of different people and one group might not be a good as, or maybe better, than another but I found my salvation in Gamanon. Take all the support you can. Nobody will understand where you are at the moment any better.
What I liked most about WM’s post is her strength but also her acceptance. This is a terrible addiction but thinking that it is possible to sort it all out in a twinkling of an eye doesn’t help. Accepting that this probably will take a long time is better than having expectations crushed over and over by another disappointment – (and I am really not suggesting a further 13 years!)
I am sure you have read my ‘addiction beast’ analogy before but just in case you haven’t , here it is again. Whenever you approach your son to try and talk to him it will probably always be the wrong time. He is too tired, his girlfriend is waiting; he’s just come in from work or not washed his hands or he has somewhere else to be – anything to keep you waiting will his addiction sharpens its claws and prepares for battle because it knows you want to talk and he doesn’t want to listen. His addiction lies in the corner of the room, like a slavering beast, watching and waiting for you to make a mistake and question its existence. It feigns sleep, boredom, disinterest because it wants to be ready for anything you say – any issues that you want to raise. When you asked about any strategies he had in place for when he gets paid the beast was immediately between you and spitting – ‘how dare you question me – back off or you will be the worse for wear’.
Of course you were not baiting him; you were trying to speak to him logically and with reason but his addiction recognise neither of these.
You know I can’t tell you what to do but I want you to think about what you want. What will you do when he squanders all his pay next week because it seems to me he will almost definitely do just that? Hoping for something different is not good for you, working out what matters to you and what you want is positive action for you. Is he paying you for his keep? If not and there is nothing forthcoming, what do you intend to do?
Suicide threats are terrifying Hope – they are meant to be. Standing up to someone you love who is threatening you with such an action is unbelievable difficult but what I hear in your posts is someone who can threaten his mother but demand his girlfriend is protected – to her he is Mr Nice Guy, so you know Mr Nice Guy exists. He wants enablement from both of you but he believes he can hurt you at will and you will buckle. He is soft soaping his girlfriend into giving him goodness knows what, but sadly you cannot save her.
My CG said to me that his addiction would have taken me all the way down with him which is why looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do.
Quoting from WM again “Once you get into the practice of not being drawn into or engaging with the nonsense it’s amazing how quickly it subsides.
Your sons recovery from addiction lies completely in his hands but how you react and the boundaries you set lie completely in yours”.
Whatever you decide Hope there will be no judgment here but please keep posting – I believe you need support and somewhere to vent.
I am away for the weekend but my thought s are with you. It is ok to say you don’t like your son, it is understandable to think you never will but I’m here to say your son has lost his way but he is still there and he can and will change – and WM is here to say she is still searching too but is not giving up.
Velvet