Hi Heatherly,
Hope you are still hanging around the forums reading. Reading the threads of others will start the healing process, seeing how many suffer like you, so you can start your own recovery.
Fear can be quite paralyzing as you have written, making one want to jump out of our skins, yet once it is faced head on with utter conviction, you’ll be amazed how empowering it is, and how you underestimated yourself. It is also an important part of recovery, showing that you are not alright with the addiction calling the shots anymore and standing firm against it.
This takes me to you as a person, living in another person’s rage and moodiness, regardless of addiction is no way to live. There is no reason for you to be walking on eggshells around anyone, regardless if you are seas away from family or just a block away. That is a clear sign that you are not being yourself and that the relationship is not healthy.
Your husband’s refusal of treatment, makes it very important that you seek your own. If not, your dire situation will only get worst, as your husband’s addiction will grow stronger, clouding his mind whispering sweet nothings in his ear so he can gamble more. Start protecting your join accounts, how about splitting them for now?
I felt all the emotions, you described years ago with my cg father. It was when I started my journey here on GT, that was I able to find myself, then trust and love myself again. I was a wreak torn many times of what to do, however I learned quick not to enable. This was my biggest shield against the addiction.
There is no easy fix here, trail and error were my friends. But their lessons were what eventually made me steadfast and in the end I blew my father’s addiction out of the water and start living a life that I once only dreamed about. There is now priceless peace and normacly in my life that let’s me sleep at night and my heart no longer beats like mad when I receive an unknown call.
Start looking after you, do what you can. Start small, don’t worry about your husband. Do things that make you happy, it is time you start living for you.
Twilight
Twilight