Hi Hayley
I am also happy that you have found this forum. I hope you will continue to benefit from knowing more about your partners addiction and with that knowledge, find the way forward that is right for you.
Your partner has taken a giant step towards changing his life by admitting he has a serious problem.but as Charles so rightly says, words on their own are not enough and he will need direction towards good support has he sought any help since he opened up to you?
I am certain that his calm exterior masks a host of insecurities and a roller-coaster of emotions. The lot of a compulsive gambler is to live with constant failure which destroys confidence and self-esteem, the nature of the addiction means he cannot walk away until all is lost. Your partner has been telling himself, over and over again, that one day everything will be ok but his only coping mechanism is to gamble and it is scary for him to think that this means of escape will have to go if he is to change his life.
I think it is important that your partner is aware that he is understood and to know that there is lots of support available. We have an excellent Helpline and brilliant facilitated gambler groups on this site where he would be welcome – everything he has felt and done will be understood. GA is another terrific source of support for him and of course he can use both GA as well as this site the more help he gets the better.
I suspect from your first post that you intend to support your partner for as long as you are able to do so and to this end I hope you will keep posting and perhaps also use our Helpline, for your own support. Everything is anonymous and private.
Only you can answer whether you want to, or can, continue with your relationship. I have no doubt that he is an incredible person but his personality has been marred by an addiction that he neither wanted nor asked for.
I think it is important to protect your own finances, the addiction to gamble is incredible strong giving cash to a person with the gambling addiction is the same as giving alcohol to an alcoholic it feeds the compulsion and makes it grow. In my opinion, refusing to give cash should be done with discussion so that it is understand that It is not a punishment. Gamblers wishing to take control of their addiction often appreciate loved ones handling their finances, but this does not mean clearing the gambling debts.
You are right that the lies and deceit are not going to disappear overnight. Your partner will need courage and determination when he fights to control his addiction but I would not be here if I didnt know that he can succeed and that he can live a wonderful, healthy, honest gamble-free life. It is easier for a compulsive gambler to face his demons when he has support but it is important that you are aware that this is not going to be easy.
I am going to leave my first reply there Hayley and await your response. Ask any question you may have and I will do my best to answer you.
Whatever you decide to do, I will understand.
Well done writing what must have been a difficult post
Velvet