Hi Gem
A day staring into space probably didn’t make you feel any better, I know it never did anything for me – but sometimes it is what we do when we don’t know what else to do.
I think maybe an answer for him when he asks what he can do to help is to tell him the truth – that you really don’t know but that you are not trying to make a point. I firmly believe that F&F should tell the truth to CGs who are on the starting grid of a new life. I remember being close to telling a white lie to make my CG feel less worried about me at the beginning but I stopped and vowed that if I couldn’t tell the truth then it wasn’t right that I demanded the truth from him. Another thing you could possibly try is to ask him to help you understand but whatever you do please make sure you are happy with what you are doing and saying.
Has your husband cleaned or cooked during the recent gambling years or is this behaviour new?
When your husband was first caught out gambling he would have lied to cover his shame. The lie was probably unexpected and possibly doubted but allowed to be upheld rather than having a difficult scene. Calling someone a liar is unpleasant and should not be done lightly. Having got away with the lie the first time it made it easier to lie next the time because there will always be a next time with an active CG as they cannot stop when they are winning – and so it possibly continued with you becoming more confused by obvious untruths and him becoming more unable to remember truth – he probably told so many lies that his memory was clouded with them.
I know that he can change Gem, I believe he will not like the man he has become. You are both going through emotions that are new to you and disturbing. The other thing that he will probably feel is a void, an emptiness that once he would have filled with gambling. It is important that he can see that life can be good; that there can be laughter and hope.
I am not suggesting that you get out the flags and start cheering him on but I am suggesting you think about yourself and what you want to do to make you happy.
I hope to see you on Tuesday in the group where we can ‘talk’ in real time – it is private and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
You will feel like you again, it is just hard to get started especially as you are possibly thinking supposing this is all another lie. True recoveries have to start somewhere Gem and without a crystal ball none of us can know when the true recovery starts. Your husband has to do more than say words, he has to act and so far he is doing things that seem good.
Whatever is happening ‘you’ matter. You matter to your children, your friends, your family and this forum. Do something for yourself tomorrow even if it only to have a wicked cream cake with your lunch – but whatever you do enjoy it.
Hoping to hear again soon
V
