Hi Gem
I think that massive elation is quite common once the first step has been taken towards a gamble-free life – suddenly the way seems clearer, the blinkers are off and it is going to be plain sailing from now on.
Unfortunately such elation is unlikely to last because controlling his addiction is the toughest thing your husband will probably ever do. However, the first step is also one of the hardest and he has done that. Did he tell you anything about the meeting? If not, it is probably best to wait until he is ready to talk and if he does it is best just to listen– sometimes CGs have tremendous surge of hope but they don’t want to talk about it because they cannot trust themselves too early – they know what has happened in the past. Many CG are very considerate of their loved ones continued pain and misunderstanding but others are less so and expect that all is suddenly wonderful so why are you not happy? However you feel Gem will be understood here.
I understand you being emotional drained as well – he is high on expectation and you have had no such light bulb moment. His recovery will be a very selfish one and that is why it is good if you are selfish with you. I have met F&F who are angry that their CG loved one appears so happy when they are not ready to forget what has gone before and are full of resentment. There are many conflicting emotions and talking about them is the best thing you can do – don’t hold them in.
Please try and make your yoga sessions a priority – a time to forget all that is going on with your husband’s addiction, just enjoy being at peace.
I will be looking forward to hearing how the finance chat goes – again it might not be easy, I think many F&F have been made to feel as though they are being over-controlling but a great many CG, who want to change their lives, welcome such intervention ‘in the end’. It is important that he doesn’t think it is a punishment but that it is you doing your best to help him achieve what he wants.
Many F&F compare their spouse’s addiction to having a lover which I think would account for your dream but you awoke and the car was still there and so was he. Gradually if he follows recovery such dreams will fade.
The support group that Cathy mentioned is worth a try – it is the way that I found salvation because at that time I didn’t know organisations such as this existed. I found it terrifying to enter the Gamanon room, I was trembling, feeling sick and afraid but nobody asked anything of me, they ‘knew’ why I was there. I could have left at any time. I was welcomed and given a chair beside the woman who was to change my life. I couldn’t speak when I was asked to do so and a box of tissues was gently pushed towards me and the next person in the group spoke instead. I didn’t speak for weeks but listened and felt friendship and an understanding that I had found nowhere else.
I loved the line ‘today was odd – I felt more normal’. I hope that you will experience many such ‘odd’ days Gem although please don’t expect them all to be so. Your husband’s recovery will be up and down and then hopefully there will be more ups than down until one day the ups outstrip the downs as they do in any other home.
As far as anxiety goes, it will take time to unwind, you have been coiled up tight for so long you don’t know how to begin – just keep breathing, that is an order! And keep posting of course.
V
