Hi Gem
It’s hard to calm down I know when you have had everything sucked out of you once too often but I hope you will stick with us for a while to gain information on your husband’s addiction so that you can cope and then make informed decisions on your own life.
There is much to say to you but I will try and keep this short so that you are aware as soon as possible that you are being heard and understood in this forum.
You have implied that your husband stopped gambling when you issued him with a ‘get out or ‘sort out’ ultimatum. If he did indeed succeed in putting a hold on his addiction, do you know how he did it – did he go to GA, a counsellor or come on a site such as this? Often when a gambler is given an ultimatum they take their very cunning addiction underground until the heat wears off – I am not suggesting this happened to your husband but unless he sought some kind of treatment the likelihood is his brain has remained in gamble-mode all the time and his addiction is now spilling over and has become out of control again making him less cautious.
However he got to this point Gem, he does need treatment but treatment is available and he can live a wonderful gamble-free life if he chooses to do so. I know it is possible to control this addiction or I would not be writing to you now.
I hope it will help your feelings a little to understand how your husband probably got to this sad position. The chances are the first time he gambled he would have felt he was doing the same as so many people do; having a bit of leisure time, enjoying a moment that took him out of everyday thought, a bit of fun. Unfortunately for your husband, addiction was waiting for him and there was no way he could have know this until it was too late – he neither wanted nor asked for his addiction any more than you did. For my part, I hate the addiction but I feel for those who own it.
I believe you can get beyond your feelings but it takes time, quite a bit of time and a lot of strength. Your self-esteem and confidence are probably severely dented at the moment and they need to be built up but your husband is not in a position to do it while his mind is preoccupied with addiction. His self-esteem and confidence are also very fragile – his addiction is one that only gives back to its owner feelings of failure and worthlessness. Recovery for you both is a selfish walk back to health but for you recovery can be complete. For your husband, recovery is never complete, he will always own his addiction – but he can, with great courage, face his demons and the wreckage his addiction has caused and take control of it. Wonderful lives can be lived by those who are determined enough to win the battle and re- take control of their lives and I believe this battle can make them very special people.
At no time Gem should anybody tell you to leave or to stay with your husband – all decisions should be made by you as part of your important recovery. Your friends appear to be supportive which is great; people who have not lived with the addiction usually cannot comprehend what it is like. I believe that if his family are truly unaware then it is better for them, and your husband, that they should know. I say this because the addiction to gamble needs money and giving money to a CG (compulsive gambler) is enablement – it is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. His family could unwittingly enable because they don’t know what is happening but with knowledge they can withdraw their enablement, thereby protecting themselves from loss and thwarting your husband’s addiction. However I repeat what I said earlier, all decisions on what you actually do must come from you, I cannot tell what to do. Maybe his family are already aware but are hoping that the problem has gone away or is being handled by you. How do you get on with your in-laws?
I am going to leave it here Gem and wait for a feed-back from you .
You have done really well writing your first post, it is always the hardest.
Speak soon
Velvet
