Hi GD
It seems to me that the person most affected by your father’s poor behaviour is your mother, is she seeking any support for herself?
I think that you are right, there should be consequences for your father but how far is his family prepared to go? Is your father still getting food, drink and warmth in the home he shares with your mother and if so, is it possible for your mother to stay with somebody else for a while, to give her a break so that she can recharge her batteries?
When you confront your father on issues such as him saying that he has been told that he does not have a gambling addiction, it is good to be concise about your disbelief and not to join in a discussion with him. Gambling addicts often enjoy an argument because they create opportunities to pass blame. make excuses and demoralise. Short comments such as telling him that you will only be ready to listen to him when he tells the truth and then walking away and doing something that pleases you, is better than trying to make him listen when he plainly has no intention of listening.
Your father is choosing his addiction and as long as he makes that choice you cannot save him, however, your mother has not chosen to live with his addiction controlling her life. You write that she has had enough but what does she want to do, what does she feel she can do? Is she of a similar age to your father?
Sadly, not all outcomes are good and sometimes difficult choices have to be made. I’m sorry I cannot tell you what to do, your mother has to decide what she wants to do as part of taking back control of her own life. I hope she knows that she is not at fault, there is no shame or blame to be allocated.
It would be great if you, or your mother, could join me in an F&F group – communicating in real time is often a great way to off-load. Our Helpline is available to you as well – it is private and one-to-one.
Speak soon GD
Velvet
