Hi everyone, I’m really sorry, sometimes I reply so much in my head i totally forget I haven’t physically replied! Thanks very much for responding as it always means a lot to hear from ppl who take the time to read my story and care enough to respond.
Thank u so much Michelle, as much as I don’t want anyone else to be going thru what I am at the same time it gives me comfort to know I’m not alone and someone out there understands what it’s like to live with this. I think right now the emotion I’m struggling with recently is guilt and although I kno I’d tell anyone else it’s not their fault and they r doing great I almost feel guilty I’ve put my son thru this, his father says he does his best and tbh he does more than some but he’s still not the dad I wanted my son to have and his family r much the same. I feel guilty he’s left with me and my mum and dad when they can help out which also brings out guilt in me as I hate to rely on them and my mum doesn’t keep well. Right now he sees him a day a week which could b only a few hours right now as he try’s to get his flat sorted but as we kno it’s going to be a long road especially when he has nothing and I imagine still gambling. It’s pay day for him tomorrow and I still feel sick to my stomach at what mess he’s going to get in. It’s not my business outside money he owes me which im yet to see but I still feel ill at the thought of him throwing his life away to gambling. I still hear the love yous and I think it’s taking its toll on him now and it’s hard because for the majority of it gambling is an invisible disease and it’s so easy to forget why its ruining your life in moments you can see the person you love and it’s a constant battle trying to keep the moments of heartbreak fresh as to keep yourself strong. No one asks how I’m doing. I’m supposed to just get on. Which I do. I think my family forget even tho he’s done wrong and it might be the “right” thing for us to be apart my heart still breaks every day, I cry everyday. I get angry and annoyed and bitter at him having the opportunity for a new life at times, I love my son more than life itself and he is always going to be my priority without a thought but I see him being able to meet with friends etc whilst I’m picking up the pieces of his mess and I don’t think it’s fair but gambling isn’t fair, I guess relationship break downs just aren’t fair. I have so much to be grateful for and God knows I am so at times I feel down I feel guilty for letting myself but sometimes u just can’t help it, the past 5/6 years has knocked it out me. I was a young girl when this all began and i gave it my everything. I hope your well Michelle and you too velvet and hope to hear from yous soon.
Michelle