Hi DD
I also sent a letter to my CG in a similar vein but it wasn’t until he was in recovery and living a gamble-free life that he told me his reaction to my written word. He said he read it a hundred times and saw different things in the words every time he read them but he never saw the spirit in which the letter had been sent. He read it so often, the paper was tired, damp and screwed from where it had been folded and re-read so many times – it was illegible – but his personal perception of what he thought I had said was dictated by his addiction. I believe you were right to hear the addiction talking in your mother’s words.
The normal conversations you are having are great. An active CG often doesn’t feel normal, so when the realisation comes that they have a real problem, normal is an unfathomable concept which they believe is unavailable to them. Keep those positive conversations going – well done.
I fully understand that your father’s death triggered this terrible reaction in your mother and I think it is important, for her and you, to remember the good times before his death when she was the warm, intelligent, giving person you write about. Did she have hobbies and interests and if so where they solely dependent on your father?
Your mother could not have known that addiction was the price she would pay for gambling – she probably saw it as a mild release, a chance to forget. If she had known it was something that would take over her life and detrimentally affect her relationships with those around her I am sure she would never have placed that first bet.
I think maybe an intervention with all your siblings and those closest to her that she cares about might be an answer – a chance to talk to her positively without blame or judgment, with no mention of her addiction. A chance for you to tell her how much you love her and to offer her another way to spend her time, maybe to remind her of a forgotten hobby or interest or friend, she used to enjoy (because addiction does cause friends to drop away). Careful planning between you all is important because the united front is paramount and everybody must know what it is you are trying to achieve. Love, compassion and positivity must be central; it is vital that she is heard but not criticised – maybe physical contact (depending on your relationships) will help. She will feel lonely and so above all she needs to hear hope. Having had the intervention maybe a relaxed social could follow so that she could feel a very special, important, welcome and normal part of her loving family..
The beast will be there in the corner and it will be wide awake but poking it will result in negativity. Sadly having gained life and grown rapidly over 20 years it will always be there in her corner and it will not want to withdraw its claws; but it can be quelled, your mother can live in control of her addiction because if it were not so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
I agree with Vera that doing things with your mother is an excellent idea but of course you have your own lives to lead and you cannot be with her all the time so I think that looking to see what used to give your mother pleasure is worth considering. Does she have friends of her own age? Does she enjoy books, jigsaws, knitting, cooking, what is it that she used to like to do before the addiction took over.
If you are anything like I was, I only had to look at my CG when the addiction was affecting my life to start thinking about his gambling and what it was doing to him and to me but of course there is more to a person than their addiction – if you can find it. A light, bright and positive approach may be the answer.
80 is no longer the ancient ‘sit in the corner and wait to die’, that it used to be – your mother could still have a full and productive life but she needs to tools to help her cope. I know she is reluctant but GA do offer the tools, as does this site in its facilitated CG groups and on our Helpline. There are many people willing to help her without judgement and with understanding.
I hope you all realise the importance of looking after yourselves, the last thing your mother will want to see is that her addiction has destroyed your lives.
I wish you all well and hope you will keep posting
Velvet
