Hi Caroline
Your reply sums up the best way to cope with your partner’s addiction.
I’m afraid I wasn’t feeling 100% yesterday and I wanted to say more to you about having conversations with your partner but the words didn’t flow and when they don’t flow it is best not to write. So here I am today with an idea to hopefully help you cope with future conversations. It isn’t a method recommended by professionals but it has worked for many. Sorry if I am repeating some of what I said yesterday.
Imagine when you have conversations with your partner that his addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you are not talking about gambling and keep your cool it will stay quiet in the corner.
Your partner is controlled by the addiction beast but you are not and nor will you be unless you allow it. When you threaten it by raising anything to do with gambling it leaps between you and takes control of the conversation. It is the master of threats and manipulation and will have you in the middle of an argument without you knowing how you got there. Arguments give it reason to breathe so that it can blame you for all the problems, thus exonerating itself from blame.
Once the addiction beast is in full throttle you will only hear the addiction speaking and because it thrives on lies and deceit it will seek to demoralise you. When you speak, your partner hears your words as though through water, your lips move but the addiction-distorted words don’t make sense.
My CG explained it to me in this way: While I was explaining to him that if he told the truth and lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction-distorted mind was convincing him that I was lying, that only his addiction would save him. When I told him I loved him he believed I was lying because as he said ‘who could possibly love the unlovable, worthless failure’ his addiction had convinced him that he was? Lost and afraid he fought back with more lies, blame and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to block out the lies because by wanting to believe them, you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Caroline, I will hold your hand for as long as you want me to but the amazing thing is that when you come out of the darkness and into the light of recovery, which you will do, it will be you and your strength alone that gets your there.
I hope to ‘meet’ you tonight. The group is easy, if a little daunting at first – it is a rolling scroll and you write whenever and whatever you want to say. You will be able to see who else is in the group with you and all your questions and thoughts will be read and replied to. It does move fast but join in when you can and don’t worry about anything – I will know you are there.
V
