Hi Caribbean Blue
It is not just disappointing when you don’t get responses – I found the greater the lack of support I got the more I felt it was me that was the problem instead of being able to deal with what was actually happening in my life, so I am really glad you found this site.
I thoroughly recommend Gam-Anon but if you go for a counsellor make sure they are dedicated to addiction counselling especially gambling.
When you say you are unsure how to talk to your husband it is probably because you are concerned about his reaction – there are things you don’t want to happen such as an argument or a twisting of truth. What is happening with your husband is that he doesn’t know what you are going to say and he may use excuses like ‘I’m tired/can I at least get my coat off before you start/let me wake up first/you are worrying about nothing’ – what he is doing (if this happens) is giving his gambling brain time to ready itself in case he feels threatened.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope with communicating with an active CG.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten the beast it will stay in the corner. When it feels threatened by, for instance, you pleading with him to stop gambling and tell the truth, the beast will leap between you and from that moment on you are talking to the beast and your husband can’t hear you
It is important never to forget that you are not controlled by an addiction unless you allow it. The gambling addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not – and nor do you want to be,
Your husband’s addiction is one that breeds feelings of failure – he will always lose when he indulges his addiction and this will demolish his self-esteem and confidence. With feelings of worthlessness he has to fight back with the only tools his addiction knows, lies and confusion. . Blaming you and demoralising you is his addiction talking..
In my opinion, listening is more important than talking to a CG. When you listen you stay out of the argument that the addiction has created to make you to feel less in control, thus allowing you time to make the right decisions for both of you.
I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which hopefully will help you to see how your husband’s ups and downs can be the means of causing your mood to be changeable too. I hope it helps.
Keep posting and I will keep trying to help you cope with this difficult situation.
Velvet