Hi Caribbean Blue
Well done starting your thread, you are already handling the situation well but it is good to talk and share with others; I know only too well how lonely the long haul feels.
Your husband’s denial comes from not understanding how difficult it is to control his problem. He thinks he can control it one day, on his own, in his own time, without realising that it gets worse, never better, unless treated.
I often feel relieved when a loved one says that they ‘can’t do the financial loss anymore’ because it implies the situation seems impossible so something must change – but there is also a strength of purpose behind the words. It wasn’t until I had no more money left to squander that I finally stopped enabling my CG’s addiction allowing him the space to fall until he had had enough and changed his life.
The ironic thing is that when it comes down to basics, it is not money that is the problem for the CG, it is the actual gamble; it is the gamble that fills their minds and changes their character and of course that is harder to control.
Waiting for change can seem and often is, interminable and I fully understand why your anger spills out – you would have to be a saint not to feel angry however much you know it is going straight over his head.
I suggest that you download the Gambler’s Anonymous 20-questions and leave them for him to find, hopefully he will read them, even if he screws them up and throws them away. They can help a CG realise that they have a recognised problem for which there is a lot of support nowadays but also hopefully it will help him realise that ‘you’ need support too.
It is a common misconception among CGs (compulsive gamblers) that the pain and the feelings of being misunderstood are all theirs. Your husband has off-loaded on to you the fact that he feels he has a problem but it is ‘you’ that he has designated as his saviour. I know though that you have already been feeling pain for quite a while and this has not eased that pain. He has unburdened himself at a cost to you by making ‘you’ responsible for his recovery.
In my opinion, I believe it is good that a CG knows that their loved ones have sought support for themselves, thus saying ‘I have to take this seriously for me – even if you are not’. I wouldn’t say ‘even if you are not’ to an active CG because it is antagonistic but hopefully the underlying intent is clear.
I will leave it there for now CB but I hope you will post again soon. Keep writing your thoughts; it is excellent therapy for you.
Velvet
