Hi Bonhonnie
Your husband sounds great. Mine struggled but never gave up supporting me – I did Gamanon, an addiction counselling course and finally became a facilitator on this site whilst telling my husband what I was doing every step of the way – without realising it, he became very knowledgeable. Your reactions were very much like ours.
I hope it helps to know that your son is not deliberately hurting you – he didn’t want his addiction anymore than you. At some point he would have gambled for fun as most people do but unfortunately for him addiction was waiting and it doesn’t include ‘fun’.
You son’s addiction will almost certainly have most, if not all, the symptoms that are recognised but he is ‘your’ son and this is your life, so I am not opting out when I say I cannot tell you what to do – I can only support with the knowledge and experience I have, which is greatly enhanced by having a CG who is willing and able to help me understand.
I won’t flood you with suggestions because we are obviously still learning to understand each other but my first question is – has your son ever sought help for his addiction? If he hasn’t then maybe you could print off the Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions which you can get off the net. Either ask him to read them or leave them where can hr see them. It is quite common that CGs are not aware that their difficulties are recognised and that they don’t know that help is available – the 20 questions can help them to focus. Handing them to your son might cause an argument; I think it is quite good to leave them where he will find them. I also know that he can screw them up and throw them away but I also know he might dig them out again and re-read them.
Your main question is difficult. I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons and I was doing the same as you are doing now, so if I say that paying his car insurance and letting him live rent-free is the same as paying his gambling debts I am not judging. My CG has now told me that as long as I enabled he had no reason to change.
I know what these words will do to you BUT, and it is a big but, I didn’t know what was wrong, I had no idea about addiction, never mind gambling – you are gaining a knowledge that his addiction does not know you have – you are able to be the rock that I was not.
I am leaving you with a few questions before I sign off tonight – you don’t have to answer them but it helps to build up a picture. Does your son have siblings? Is his biological father involved with him and if so is he supportive? How old is your son? I will wait until I have more information from you before I suggest what you could possibly try.
You and your husband are doing well even if you don’t feel it.
Velvet
