Hi Blondie
Unfortunately a gambling addiction gets worse and never better unless it is treated and sadly those who love CGs usually expend a lot of energy doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons – I know because that is what I did.
I think that you are right that your son needs help but at the moment he believes, with all the arrogance of a young active CG, that he can master his gambling.
In my opinion, telling him what you think he should do will fall on deaf ears.
Maybe you could imagine your son’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room, poised and ready to jump when you speak to him about gambling. This beast is the master of threats and manipulation which takes control of the conversation when your son feels his way of life is threatened. Once the beast is triggered, it distorts your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception. Your son will probably use lies and deceit to deflect responsibility because that will be his way of coping at the moment.
In my opinion, it is important to ‘listen to’, rather than ‘talk at’, an active CG because once the addiction beast is triggered it will seek to make you feel less in control. When you begin to say what you think, the addiction has something to get its teeth into. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by the addiction beast, you are not. Never forget that you are stronger than his addiction, you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead.
I think it is important to keep non-gambling communication open with your son, I think it is good that he knows you are seeking support for yourself – many active CG do not think that those who love them need support.
Where is your son living now and is he working? An active CG can often stay afloat when he has a good well paid job but ultimately his addiction will bring him down.
Perhaps you could download the 20 questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website for him, or give him the address of his local GA, or information about this site which he can access anonymously. We have a Helpline where he can communicate anonymously, one-to-one, with those who understand him and are willing to support him; after all he has nothing to lose as he believes he is fine.
There is a lot of shame involved with this addiction, both in the CG and those who love them – it is unnecessary shame because your son did not ask for, or want his addiction anymore than you did.
I will end this post by repeating that I would not be writing to you now if I did not know that your son can control his addiction and can have a fantastic life as a result. You are at the beginning of a really difficult learning curve but you can do it and so can he.
Velvet
