Hi Beth
Any amount gambled, excessive or not, is a lapse with a gambling addiction, just as one small drink is a lapse to an alcoholic. Your husband’s anger sounds to me to be a diversionary tactic to put you off saying what you are feeling – he doesn’t want to listen, so he is drowning you out.
Many gamblers feel they are being punished when a spouse takes over the finances but many more gamblers, who want to live gamble-free, welcome the support of having their family’s finances protected while they fight their demons. Your husband’s reaction seems to reflect his lack of true acceptance of his latest problem. You have already been through enough, I am sure, with his alcoholism and you therefore, understandably, want to nip this new possible addiction in the bud.
In my opinion, it would be good to tell your husband that you have sought support for yourself because you are confused by what is happening. I think it would be beneficial to ask him to ask his AA group if they think that it is unreasonable, vindictive and hurtful for you to take over the finances while he is gambling. It is exceedingly unlikely that anyone will agree. Many gamblers do not have anyone willing to support them by handling the finances and would welcome the help you are offering.
Maybe you could open an account in your name, for your own direct deposits and let him know that you are trying to support him by doing this. I appreciate that the household depends on his income as well as yours but hopefully this would give you a small safety net, to fall back on, in the immediate future. If he could hopefully, accept that he is teetering on the edge of another crippling addiction, rather than just paying lip service, when he says he knows he has a problem, his eyes might be opened. AA groups are aware of the dangers facing your husband and will have heard of other members dabbling with another addiction; I know this site is very aware of the danger.
I doubt you will make may inroads into his mind whilst he is actively displaying such anger but maybe you could calm the situation by asking him to help you understand what his group thinks you should do to support him. This is a site for gambling addiction, we have an amazing Helpline who would listen to him and understand him if he would like talk through his problem. It is one-to-one and anonymous so it can be argued that he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. We also have excellent groups on Mondays and Thursdays, facilitated by Charles, who lives happily in control of his gambling addiction.
I know this is all very painful for your husband and I also know it is unlikely that your husband will/or can appreciate how much this latest twist must be hurting you – a gambling addiction, like alcoholism, closes the addicts ears whilst logic and reason fly out of the window. It is so important that you look after your own health by having time for the things that give ‘you’ pleasure. Try and avoid arguments that have no purpose other than seeking to blame you and unnerve you – you are not to blame for your husband’s gambling.
I know that your husband can control his alcoholism and his gambling, or I wouldn’t be writing to you. Trust in yourself and do what you know is right for you.
Please believe me when I say that you are stronger than his addictions. I hope you will post again
Velvet