Hi August
I am sure you have done the right thing posting here. You are already talking to people who understand so you are not alone.
Although his family do not appear to be willing to do anything constructively, the fact that they are aware and can therefore support you is good – so many families choose denial and that is worse.
Although your husband has seemingly admitted that he knows he is a gambler with a problem he is almost certainly not accepting it’s severity. Accepting the addiction for what it really is, is very frightening and compulsive gamblers are afraid to take the plunge where they will possibly hear that they can probably never gamble again.
The lie-telling is your husband’s way of coping with the enormity of what is happening to him and your disappointment. The first lie would have been to make you back off and you probably did, thinking whatever it was that he had done was a one-off. The lie gave his addiction breathing space – and so the next lie would have followed and the next, until your husband’s memory became so cluttered with lies, he no longer recognised the truth.
The good news is that you husband can control his addiction, if it was not so I wouldn’t be here. He can be the man he wants to be and the man you want him to be.
It is a great blessing that your finances are separate. The addiction to gamble is all about the ‘gamble’. Money is the means with which to gamble it is not the goal.
Your husband does need the right support. You are correct that you cannot save him but maybe you could direct him. Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions for him. Gamblers Anonymous is excellent support as is our Helpline, forum and gambler-only groups on this site. Everything is anonymous, non-judgemental and understanding; your husband would be very welcome. As he has said he knows he has made poor decision – what has he got to lose by trying? There are also dedicated addiction counsellors if he is prepared to face his demons.
I think you are saying what so many family members say, which is that the lies are the most painful side of the addiction. Your husband doesn’t realise this and will never understand it while his mind is clouded with addiction.
I have brought up my thread ‘the F&F cycle’ so that you can see that everything you are going through is understood. Your husband didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you. Compulsive gamblers would love to gamble responsibly but they can’t.
Well done writing you initial post, it cannot have been easy. Please keep posting, you are not alone.
Velvet
