Hi Andi,
I too was married to a CG for over 20 years, I had a catholic upbringing and gambling was and is completely alien to me. I didn’t come from a wealthy family and security was important to me.
I’m a worrier and fretted too. I would spend hours churning things over but not acting. Somewhere along the line I lost confidence in my own judgements. It may have been the lies or the false promises. It may have been having to face up to my own weaknesses and human failings. I don’t know but I became unable to make fairly simple decisions.
I had 4 children with my CG and the situation was getting worse and worse as each child was born. Gambling addiction generally does escalate and that was certainly my experience.
I wanted to believe the lies in order to make my marriage work and provide stability as I saw it then for my children….the alternative just seemed too awful to contemplate.
I didn’t want the sort of relationship where I had to control my husbands every move although I did have a few unsuccessful attempts at financial control. He would circumvent them and I would lose respect for him by feeling I had to control him.
What really caught my eye was the 20k you asked your in laws for. My husband asked his parents for the exact same amount and despite me telling them not to lend him it they did. They were afraid of the public shame or risk of their son going to prison for non payment of taxes. That loan in some ways marked the beginning of the end for us. It caused huge family tensions and even some violence.
It probably delayed him hitting rock bottom which in retrospect was not a good thing. It enabled him to carry on with his addiction within weeks of getting that loan.
I don’t want to be the voice of gloom here but I can only talk from my experience and hope that it will help you clarify your own thoughts and feelings. It does also help me to write as I am still working on my own recovery too.
You asked about success stories. Well how do you measure success?
There are CGs living in control of their addiction. If I had medals to give they would get the gold ones. They are outnumbered by those who still struggle with it. I have asked the question here and nobody knew anybody who had recovered from a significant addiction without some form of help e.g GA/residential help etc.
There are success stories for friends and family members. Some have supported their partner through a recovery programme and some have partners who still gamble but they themselves have embarked on their own recovery and protection. I fall in the latter group.
I rethought everything I previously believed. Yes, ideally children need 2 parents and ideally marriage is for better or worse and forgiveness is always an option. But really, where do all these doctrines come from?
I don’t want to start a huge religious debate but if there is a God or higher being I hope she is looking down at me and understanding that no one glove fits all – for me and in my individual circumstances, my children (admittedly grown up ish )are happier that I have taken control of a bad situation and led them and myself to safety and taken steps to divorce their CG father. Once I took the lead there was a collective sigh of relief from them and pretty much everyone else who knew my situation.
I feel able now to answer for my actions to anyone…including God!
Forgiveness is an option I am working on. I forgive myself for compromising myself for far too long.
I don’t know if anything I have said helps but it still helps me to write.
Jilly
