Hi,
Velvet, thank you for the tip to start my own thread. I got so caught up reading about Amy’s experience that I could recognise a lot of what I went through.
To everyone who don’t know my story, if you read this-
my ex is a CG, he left me many months ago as he said he needed to be alone due to the addiction as didn’t get the relationship I deserved, we had then been together for many years and I had been the enabler (although I didn’t know this word then) for most of that time. I was so devastated when he left me (I easily get separation anxiety, and also I loved him so much, and still do) I stayed in touch with him in the hope that we could one day get together again- if only he sorted out his addiction. I continued “helping” supporting emotionally and financially at any time of day- most of the time he was ok, good at his job, started therapy and there seemed to be hope, but every now and then fell for gambling, large amounts. I knew of course that this kind of relationship and the cycle we were in was not healthy, but I was in denial and also really didn’t know how to break it as I had become addicted to it as well, very strongly.
In the end we hit the wall, I was finally so emotionally exhausted by the concern and no money left so I’m now estranged by no contact- it feels scary and I feel guilty and like I’m an awful person. I hope by me staying away (which I need for my recovery) will help him, to know I’m out of the picture for now so he can concentrate on dealing with it all, once and for all and really feel better. Of course it may be hard for him, but when those thoughts pains me (thinking of him suffering and what will happen) I think about that the way I tried it so far didn’t work, so I need to change tactics. But I feel terrible and think and think of all the what ifs and that I should be there as a friend to talk to at least. But I was no good help anymore right?
I wish with all my heart that he will be happy and well. I love him and care for him and hope he knows it and feels it. AND I want good things for me too, because I matter. In the end of the day I believe he would want that too, the “dance” we did for a long time is not productive.
Has anyone done the same action? Any advice on how to deal with it? How long shall I stay out? I’m still tired from everything…but feel selfish.
Any support welcome. I’m trying to stay strong. I just want to best for him and for me too.
thank you