I just need to vent,in 20 days my banning ends.
I have an appt with counsler on Nov 2 nd to rebann said she could do it from here office,i smiled and said thanks i would like that,thinking and feeling a little more private.
Well she knows im going for one day to the casino ,i need to be me for at least one day every six months.
Well im feeling so much pressure ,she said okay i will set up an appt with casino ? omg is this now a friggen three way group conversation,i cant do this ,when i rebann im doing all i can to hold it all in,last thing i need is a three ring circus with electronics.
For days after i rebann i suffer in silence ,depression is high now not so sure im strong enough to pull it together in just a few days this time.
I know she will not be to interested to see me after that,and in everyone of my meetings with her she yawns ever so politley but tells me i was not being heard ,all she hears is me rambling.
I know she cant help me ,she told me that herself,but i continued to go as i was in a very very bad way.
She did help me felt so good to puke it all out.
I feel like my world once again is closing .
The doc not mine dont have one,wrote on my medical work form a whole lot of mental health issues and ticked all the boxes moderatly,choices from slighty yup right to severe,so moderatly ,but im only sighned off work for a month ,now she recognized i was stressed and felt medically trained enough to tick those boxes,but never once offered any form of help to me,like say whos helping you with this ,do you have any support ?
So now in the next two weeks lol is she going to be as medically lazy once again to miracoulsy ticked im healed.
I will go back to work i have no choice,my bag of life is full but so is everyones,
Work will use that info against me,forever ,now i feel even more stressed ,this faking to make it is so hard.
Yesterday i watched the fall leaves fall for a long long time,
started to compare a humans purpose in life to a leafs .
just venting
