Thank you very much for your reply. Your words gave me some strength today and I really appreciate that. I cried though as I read your words but tears are better out than in.
My ex contacted me, not to say how are you or how are the kids but instead to tell me what he needs. Looking for my help as he needs a letter from me for the housing department so he can stay in the lovely hotel the council have put him in .
I am shocked as i am so upset by everything and all he is interested in is himself again. I agree to write a letter so he is no longer linked to my address and so I can keep trying to move on. It hurts but I know I am doing the right thing as there is never any way I will allow him to return to my home.
He gets my letter and tells me his mum has bought him new trainers, paid 450 pounds for car insurance and he also tells me he has a plan for his work not to find out he blew the 6000 car loan so he won’t lose his job. He advises he is telling his colleagues he has an illness but has not told them he is a cg. I don’t believe he is ill. he has an addiction.he made choices. nobody made him go into the bookies. Chrones disease is an illness, epilepsy is an illness, you don’t choose to become unwell with this . CG – an addiction.
Whilst he talks about him and his plans I attempt to tell him that I had to meet our 7 year old daughters head teacher today as our wee girl needs support. she is wetting her bed and pants and is very clingy to me. Also not sleeping as well since he was aggressive and I put him out my house. He hardly listens. He tells me he feels guilty yet can’t accept the reality of what is going on. He also now blames his gambling on a car crash he had in March last year and said if it wasn’t for the car crash he wouldn’t have gambled again. Oh he is justifying to himself what he believes to be the cause and it is makes me angry because the cause is himself, his behaviour, his choices, his actions. I have been in a car crash before and as horrific as it was ( I was lucky not to have died) I did not choose to deal with this negatively by drinking, gambling or taking drugs. Using the car crash is just an excuse.
I think I need to have no contact with my ex now, I go from being hurt to angry to frustrated and to having horrible thoughts about him that I never knew I could have. And I am a caring and loving person but also one that is being hurt by him.
Its just so hard all of this. And so unfair that he is going to keep his job, with no consequences for his actions, get a new car whilst I still have the debt and not one payment been made on my visa for the car we had to buy when he crashed my car. He is due compensation of 10,000 that his mum is going to manage and I have 7 and a half thousand debt because of him, 3 kids and just one wage. How is that right?
I apologise if you think I am feeling sorry for myself. Im not. I am just trying to come to terms with how wrong this feels and how he can still continue to carry on without a tear and behave as though he is the victim in all of it…. he has no family, no kids, no house aaargh HE CAUSED IT.
Strength to cope with this, I definitely need more of and a determination to feel stronger than his addiction (something velvet said which I found helpful).
I hope you understand my feelings and I am lucky to have wonderful friends around me but they don’t always get it and I know they feel helpless as they dont know what to say to me. I dont know either but I do have to keep caring for me and my kids. I just want to be me again. Wish I could get there sooner , it really really hurts.