Hello Shirley
Welcome from me.
It is extremely hard for parents of a compulsive gambler to put in place barriers that their child will not circumnavigate. It is natural to feel you can leave money or valuables around in your own home without fear of having them stolen by a family member – but – when that family member has an addiction to gamble the barriers must be strengthened. There is no shame in your son’s addiction – it was neither his fault nor yours that he owns this destructive compulsion, therefore, protecting him from stealing from you is caring for him as well as yourselves.
He obviously hasn’t put everything in place to avoid temptation – he is visiting pubs where the temptation is massive. I fail to understand why a counsellor would tell you son that he ought to have his own bank card – you are doing everything right trying to protect his finances. What the counsellor ‘actually’ said is, of course, unknown when your son probably distorts what he has heard to fit his personal perception. There is no point in to-ing and fro-ing with him about what is a lie and what isn’t – it is better for you to accept that you cannot believe him at the moment because he has an addiction – it is so wearing always fighting to get any truth. Hopefully it will stop him turning the tables on you if you avoid such conversations for now.
Most compulsive gamblers I know who live in control of their addiction carry ‘debit only’ cards and maybe this is what your son should be considering when he leaves home eventually.
I don’t know what counselling your son has had but it would be usual for a counsellor to discuss triggers with a client anyway. If he really wants to control his addiction then maybe he could look at the GMA residential programme, some details of which are in the lower forums ‘Friends and Family of GMA Residents’ and ‘GMA residential treatment Q&A’. Our Helpline would be willing to communicate with you and/or your son about this support too. I personally know it is amazing. The Helpline is one-to-one and anonymous. We also have terrific facilitated groups for compulsive gamblers which offer judgement free support.
I accept that he believes that moving into his own house will solve his problems but sadly the demons go with him until he has faced them down and determined to truly accept a gamble-free life but his distorted thinking will prevent him from facing this. I also wonder if, him saying this to you, is not just further manipulation to gain more time before he wakes up – which is what compulsive gamblers are prone to do. It takes courage to face this addiction Shirley and your son appears to be lacking the oomph required to take him forward – for the moment. However, I would not be writing to you now if I didn’t know that your son could change his life and be the man you want him to be – and more importantly, the man he would like to be.
It would be great to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group – nothing said in the group appears on the forum – it is safe and you are welcome.
Velvet
